The Flat Tire

Speaking of stepping on people, cool it with the flat tires, fellow fast-talking fast walkers! Treading on someone’s heel once is an accident. Doing it repeatedly is fucked. If the person walking in front of you is shuffling along too slowly for your pleasure, move into one of the faster lanes. Contrary to what you may think, when you separate a foot from its shoe, the wearer must actually stop to put it back on, defeating your ultimate goal of moving faster. So, although it can be very humorous to watch, avoid clipping someone’s biscuits, fast walkers.

That said, two to tango, you short-stoppers: You risk the loss of life, limb, and Louboutin if you come to a screeching halt in the middle of a lane of fast-moving traffic. Don’t even say shit about it, either, you bitch-ass bitch, if people moving in both directions clip you on the way. If you want to stand around like some slack-jawed gawker while you decide what mysteries the universe holds in store for you, New York City is not gonna stand still and hold your hair. Move, you asshat. We have things to do. Important, fashiony things.

I'm Ready for my Close-Up, Mr. DeMille

New York is a beautiful, fascinating city, full of architectural wonders, stunning women, and plenty of “only in New York” moments begging to be captured on film. We encourage you to catalog every minute of your trip here, so that you will never have to return.

Yes, we are laughing at you as you snap photos of Deutsch Bank memorial 9/11 fountains when behind the photographers’ right shoulder is the stunning wonder that is the Brooklyn Bridge. We question your studious cataloguing of random office buildings and street urchins banging on five-gallon plastic drums. I guess it’s all just a matter of taste….

At any rate, when shooting photos in New York City, don’t expect everyone in the vicinity to pause while you line up the perfect shot. Try and find a place out of the flow of traffic, keep the light behind you, and take your shot quickly. When shooting photos that you intend to show people as evidence of your family trek to Gotham, try and get your clan to stand in front of something that is instantly recognizable as New York. Remember, one office building looks very much like another at 5 by 7 inches.

Should you decide it is necessary to sit on the ground to get the perfect perspective, don’t be surprised if people step right over you. Here in New York City, we are accustomed to seeing people lying on the ground, and we won’t miss a beat circumnavigating you. If that doesn’t sit well with you, so to speak, do you part and avoiding sitting in places where people will be forced to step over you.

Where Not to Walk

If you are on your way to somewhere else and a prime tourist destination lies in your path, it is imperative that you find another way to circumvent that area. Knowing what these areas are will be invaluable in avoiding them.

--Times Square, at any time of day or night. Unless you are on your way to a Broadway show, there is no reason to ever go into Times Square, from 42nd to 50th Street, Broadway to Eighth Ave. This area is a Mecca for slow-moving tourists worldwide, who meander dragnet-style, gawking at the bright lights and street performers, and taking photos.

--Union Station during the Greenmarket, or at night when skateboarders fill up the back lot doing tricks, or on the weekends when every seat in the so-called park is full, or during construction, when hurricane fences and orange caution tape redirected large numbers of people through tiny spaces. Basically, do not go to here.

--Canal Street during the day—impossible to get down the street until after the shops close, around 8 p.m., after which it is a virtual ghost town.

--SoHo on the weekend—particularly Broadway between Spring and Prince Sts. Large groups of teenage tourists tend to gather in front of the Victoria’s Secret on Prince Street, somewhat inexplicably.

--Amsterdam and the West 80s—Loads of museum crowds looking for a cheap lunch spot, and slow-moving, rich elders. Just try and look cool after you’ve accidentally kicked some septagenarian's walker out from under them.

--The Meatpacking District at night—limos vie for position in front of mega bar/restaurants while drunken socialites attempt to navigate cobblestones while wearing stilettos. Hill-fucking-larious!

--Wall Street during rush hour—banksters rush blindly ahead toward subway entrances en masse. Tourists block the way, shooting pictures of the NYSE. Cops with semi-automatic weapons and K9 units glare dauntingly. Beware.

Avenues Vs. Streets

Thanks to the Commissioners Plan of 1811, all New York streets above 14th are set up on a grid system, with longer avenues running north/south, and shorter streets running east/west.

What this means is that the city is easily navigable when you are walking around on streets higher than 14th Street. For example, if you are at 18th and 7th and you want to be at 26th and 9th, you need to walk up eight blocks, and over two long avenues. (Just be careful if this is actually where you need to go, because it cuts through the projects, and can be a little dodgy at night.)

Keep in mind that eight blocks are easily walkable, whereas eight avenues are much less so. You can walk from 1st St. to 8th St. in four or five minutes; the trek from First to Eighth Avenue will take about forty-five minutes. Make your transportation arrangements accordingly (Tip: For east-west travel, a cross-town bus is often your best option. Whatever street you want to cross corresponds with that bus—the M14 goes down 14th, the M23 down 23rd, the M8 down 8th to Tompkins Square—great for getting to the Lower East Side.)

Thanks to public outcry by old-timey folks, the city’s builders added in a bit of green in the form of Central Park, but archeologists have located the original iron pegs, still planted in the park’s stone boulders, that demarcate where Sixth Avenue was originally intended to flow.

Another remaining exception to the grid plan is Broadway, an old Lenape Indian trail that starts downtown on the east side between Lafayette St. and 4th Avenue, and cuts diagonally west as it weaves uptown, crossing Amsterdam around W. 79th Street. The history is nifty, but know that where Broadway is when you’re downtown isn’t where it’s going to be when you travel uptown.

Should you venture below 14th Street into old Manhattan, all bets are off. Cobblestone streets come together at strange angles, and the natural (and man-made) topography of lower Manhattan narrows. Did you know? Parts of this Manhattan neighborhood used to not exist, until builders filled in the seaside with dirt and dead horses. Totally not shitting you here, people. Dead horses.

Use caution (and a map) to navigate these areas, and think outside the box: 7th Ave South. is a completely different thoroughfare than 7th Ave., and Greenwich Street is a nice long bit of a hike from Greenwich Avenue. Be sure not to mix the two up when asking for directions from New Yorkers, the friendliest people on earth.

Life in the Fast Lane

Watch New Yorkers negotiate crowded sidewalks with ease, and you may begin to have an appreciation for the unspoken laws that keep this great metropolis moving. Order in the midst of chaos doesn’t just occur, so we forgive you non-Gothamites for not understanding how to correctly move your bodies from point A to point B without invoking the ire of every angry Guido from Broadway to the Bronx. That said, we expect you to at least make an effort to not put this smooth-talking, fast-walking city to a grinding halt. Just keep these tips in mind.

Pedestrian traffic patterns in New York are divided into several lanes going in either direction. You would do well to follow them, and not try and fight the crowd. In busy parts of town, such as Midtown, the savvy walker will notice that there are five streams of traffic: one lane each way in the middle, a slightly slower lane next to buildings, a fast lane on the outside, and a super-fast lane of walkers near or actually in the street. Find the lane that suits you and follow the crowd at a steady pace. Don’t behave erratically, or try to dart ahead of people in your same lane. Most importantly, don’t make any sudden about-faces or abrupt stops; you are likely to cause a pedestrian pile-up. And don’t hustle on over to the fast lane, only to slow your pace. Go with the flow.

If you or your entourage need to stop for any reason, follow the rules of the road: Merge safely to the inside lane (next to a building), glance over your shoulder for fast-movers approaching from behind, and then stop. Don’t block paths of egress, don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk to tie your shoe or check your map, and whatever you do, do not stop moving! This thriving metropolis of more than 8 million people are not going to be voluntarily late to the pressing engagements of their lives while you decide whether or not you’d like to pop into Starbucks for a latte.

How To Walk in Manhattan

Dear tourists: Welcome to New York. We hate you, your suburban attitudes, your blinding, bright-white sneakers, and your fanny packs! But please bolster our economy by spending lots of money. And try to follow our rules.

Fuck You, We’re Not Rude!
No matter what the rest of the world might believe, New Yorkers are not inherently rude. We may be brusque, we often voice our opinions (even when unsolicited), and we will sometimes even breeze by someone who is clearly in need of help, but it’s not because we totally hate your stinking guts. It’s just that we have places to be, and don’t take kindly to having our precious time wasted. Navigating the city and its hordes of huddled masses yearning to breathe free takes time, and you blocking the sidewalk like the wretched refuse of our teeming shores doesn’t help the cause any.

In general, New Yorkers will help a lost lamb find its way—as long as you keep it short. Try and know where you need to go, and ask passers-by simple questions, such as “Which way to Seventh Avenue?” Questions that can be answered by a quick hand gesture are best.

However, sometimes you need more detailed directions about a specific place in the part of town you are in. I suggest asking someone walking a dog—you know they live in the area, and are less likely to be beating feet on the way to work. Cops sometimes know something about the area, but don’t approach them unless you really love cops. Avoid asking street vendors—they are often painfully ignorant of their surroundings, and will give a soupçon of totally unwarranted attitude with their uninformed answer.

The Two-Wide Rule
Unless you are ambling through the Cloisters or some similarly wild and wooly urban nature area, the hard and fast rule regarding walking in New York City is to maintain a two-wide maximum. What that means for you and your extended family unit is that you cannot fan out like Minesweeper and expect everyone to move out of the way while you meander through Times Square, pointing up toward the sky and taking pictures. Two people across, max, means exactly that. If you have three people, one goes behind. If you have four, that means two pairs of twos. Get it? Good. Do not make me cut a bitch.

Fuck Google Maps

Many people may point to Google maps as if advice like mine were now no longer warranted. No, I resolutely reply, How to Ride is not about station stops and shortcuts, but about etiquette and insider-rider savvy. To be fair, I accessed Google maps to see what kinds of advice they would offer regarding my morning commute. The results were laughable, I daresay even ludicrous: to travel from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to Wall Street, they suggested taking the R to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., and transferring to the 2/3 to Wall Street.

This is wrong on so many fronts. First of all, if you are traveling during morning rush hour, every other R train will meet up with an N express at 59th Street. Transfer there and take the express all the way to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., keeping an eye out for the M local train on the opposite track, which will take you in only four stops to Broad Street, at the corner of Wall. Bada-boom, bada-bing.

If you miss the express and take the R train local all the way to the top of Brooklyn, it doesn’t make sense to switch at all—you may as well go four more stops and just walk up Water Street to Wall. It takes only five minutes. And, what Google maps won’t tell you about their “handy” 2/3 transfer is that going between these two tracks means navigating about 200 stairs. There is a hefty, steep flight up from the N/R, another steep flight down, a short traverse through the underground passage, and then a hustle up another very steep staircase. All in morning rush hour. Plus, once you are there, the 2/3 train still hits about six stops before it reaches Wall Street.

My point being, how this can possibly be considered the shortest route? This leads me to my aforementioned conclusion: Fuck Google maps.

At this point, I consider it behoovy of me to share with you some of the best shortcuts I have learned throughout the years.

--Keep moving forward! If a train comes that is going in your direction, take it. You may meet up with your train at a future stop.

--If you miss your transfer to the downtown D/B express trains at W. 4th St. and an F/V train is across the platform, hop on. You should be able to catch up with the express at Broadway/Lafayette St.

--When going to Times Square, a Q train is often a less-crowded alternative to other express trains.

--Take the A train to get uptown to Harlem and Washington Heights quickly. It is sometimes even faster to overshoot your stop and take the local back.

--Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the G train offers a valid route from the southern part of Brooklyn through Williamsburg. It might as well not even exist, as rare as it appears. Although it seems longer on the map, you are much better off taking a train to Union Square, and transferring to the L train.

Junk Trains and Money Trains

Some nights, you’ll wait a good long time for those headlights on the track, but when the train finally hits the station, the windows are blackened, and it doesn’t even slow down, or else it’s a ramshackle wooden contraption filled with tools and bins. What are these not-regular trains? They are the trash train and the money train.

The ramshackle trains pulling the rusty yellow wooden flatbeds full of green bins is the trash train. Late at night when most people are already asleep, subway workers move from station to station, removing the trash bins from the closets at the end of some subway stations and replacing them with empty green bins pulled from off the cattle car. This is truly a fascinating thing to watch, especially because you can get real close to the train and peek around inside at all the assorted detritus of city living.

The money train is another matter altogether. Officially, this train was retired in 2006; the advent of Metrocards made its late night runs as obsolete as the Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson movie of the same name. The money train was the yellow and black striped train with the blacked-out windows that transported the daily MTA take to the King Midas money counting chamber. It was heavily guarded, so riders wouldn’t get any ideas about hijacking it… this wasn’t The Taking of Pelham One Two Three here….although I did hear they are releasing a remake of this classic in June ’09, starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington, and John Turturro.

My karate sensei, who works for the MTA, told a story of being a young man in Brooklyn and running to catch the train. He leapt over the staircase railing and into the train just as the doors closed, only to find a cadre of police officers with their firearms trained on him. Having jumped unawares into the money train, he threw his arms up in surrender, saying, “I’m just a kid!” Eventually they let him go.

If you’re interested in how the money train works, the MTA Transit Museum offers a “Show Me The Money” exhibit for kids 4 and older at the end of May, in which participants can help collect fares on a route through the museum. Click here for more info.

Get Your Zs on the Z Train

Some people will advise against sleeping on the train, but like most everything else in life, it’s all in how you do it. Should you choose to do your dozing on the D line, it is imperative that you develop a strong stop-wake reflex. With some effort, you can train yourself to open your eyes every time the train comes to a stop. You don’t have to completely stop sleeping; even one eye opened is sufficient to tell you where you are, and when you need to transfer.

These tips will help you negotiate a successful train nap:

Choose your seat wisely. Find a somewhat secluded seat, away from loudmouths, preferably one facing an empty seat for you to rest your feet upon. But make sure it’s not too secluded; you don’t want to wake up to find yourself in car with you in the role of Sleeping Beauty, with Dopey and Grumpy trying to kiss you out of your coma.

Don’t expect to rest your nodding, sleepy head on your neighbor’s shoulder. If you didn’t bring a friend to lean on, make sure your head has a window to prop itself against.

If you have a bag, wrap the handle around your shoulder. That way, when you wake up, you’ll still have the shit you walked in with.

Don’t fall asleep with a cup of coffee or other beverage in your hand. You’ll drop it, guaranteed, and that ruins your nap. Also, don’t fall asleep with candy in your mouth. I recently watched with concern/disgust as a relatively well-dressed white man, clearly completely strung out on heroin, nodded off for nearly an hour with a Blow-Pop in his mouth. A thin strand of spit ran steadily down the lolly stick onto his backpack. Sometimes the lollypop would fall out of his mouth, and stick to his jeans or fall onto his filthy backpack, which was lying on the floor. Each time he regained consciousness, he’d shove it right back in his mouth, floor grit and all.

Despite following these rules, sometimes you will overestimate your ability to sub-sleep, and will wake up somewhere near the Coney Island rail yards. It’s a real bitch, mostly because if you were so exhausted to begin with, you were most likely out drinking or cavorting until 4 a.m., and now the sun is rising over the beach, and you’re reenacting the final scene of The Warriors.

My advice: If you can afford to take a cab home from wherever you are, do so. Otherwise, you have to cross over to the other side of the platform, wait for that train to arrive, take it back to the original point where you were supposed to transfer, exit, cross back over to the other side of the platform, and wait for your transfer train. It is frustrating as all hell, most of the platforms by the yards are outdoors and sketchy, and at night, the trains run none too fast.

Weekend at Bernie’s

Oh. So that guy wasn’t sleeping after all. It’s terrible, but sometimes people drop dead on the subway. Sometimes, people can’t tell for a while, either. If you happen to find a dead guy on the subway, tell the police or an MTA official. Or, just move into the next car, if you think your conscience can handle leaving some dead guy for the next person to find. Me, I feel bad leaving pee on the toilet seat, but hey, you might be totally okay with it. Just don’t rob the corpse. Or do rob it. What does he care, he’s already dead. And what do I care? I’ve got somewhere else to be.

Subway Jack-Offs

Men like to take their dick out on subway trains. There is the professional-looking evening commuter who gently places his unit on his thigh, as if he is airing it out after a long day of work. Then there is the drunk late-night tosser, leering at female commuters through glazed eyes as he rubs one out. Neither is okay.

Unlike drinking excessively and having to whip your dick out to pee on the train, there is no situation I can envision in which someone has to masturbate on the subway. If you have a home, you should wait until you get there to get your stroke on. Like my sister tells her pre-teen son: “It’s not bad, but you need to do it in your room.”

If you are homeless, pulling out your peen is not going to help your situation, what with the chips already stacked against you because of your body odor, your colorful collection of assorted shopping bags, and your real or assumed mental illness, drug, and alcohol addictions. On the bright side, most people will already be steering a wide path around you.

Oddly enough, homeless people don’t comprise the majority of subway strokers, in my experience. The majority of public masturbators I have witnessed look like “normal” guys—a fact that only adds to the sense of violation felt when encountering one. And exposing oneself on the subway can start a fad. Once one guy makes whipping his wang out the norm, others jump on the bandwagon.

I once entered a subway car late at night to discover that three guys were jerking off. The most disconcerting part about this was not the plethora of public self-pleasuring, it was that all three guys were sitting in different parts of the train, gazing not at each other nor at me, but soullessly out the window. I was less disgusted than disturbed; it was the loneliest, saddest thing I have ever seen. I switched cars quickly.

Subway Hook-ups

Due to the general unsanitary nature of the subway train, I highly recommend that any partner sex be relegated to some other venue. However, given some people’s penchant for exhibitionism and/or public sex, it warrants remarking that sometimes, people have sex on the train. If you must do it, find a late-night subway car, empty save you and your partner, and try and finish whatever you’re doing by the time the subway reaches the next station. (The express train over the Manhattan Bridge is the longest uninterrupted stretch.) I just can’t think of anything more awkward than stumbling drunk onto an otherwise empty subway car to discover that your fellow riders are engaged in a late-night game of hide the salami.

The same advice applies to the gays, although I do remember hearing that the Fulton Street station was the best place for gay men on the DL to hook up. I don’t think lesbians hook up in hidden subway station niches, but I have been surprised by women before. You guys let me know if you hear anything to that end.

Hot Trains, Summer in the City!

The changing seasons are one of the best things about living in New York, but each season comes with its own subway-related issues. Summer is the most obviously perilous; the subway terminals, especially those on the second lower level of a station (such as the B/D/F/V at West 4th Street) become unbearably hot, the garbage melts and rots in the most foul manner, and rats abound. Not all of the subway trains have air conditioning, either, so look alive when the train pulls in. However, as stated earlier, if a car is empty, do not enter!

In addition to the smells and heat of summer, common pitfalls include people wearing much less clothing than their unique physique allows. If you are a large person, spandex tank tops are not your friend. And if you are going to wear flip-flops in public, for the sake of all that is holy, get a pedicure. If your hooves are coming out of your mandals, that is gross enough, but if you are a woman with gnarly toes, giving shrimp and/or biscuit* with crust everywhere, that is enough to make a grown man gag. There must be 10,000 Korean nail technicians in New York City who will make your toes gorgeous for about $20. Make the investment. You’re worth it—and so are we.

If you are a woman who favors the European style of body hair, do me a personal favor and lift your arms a lot around tourists, just to gross them out. (Warning: This may also gross out locals.) Hair or no hair is fine by me, as long as when you lift those pits, the smell is minimal, and the little white deodorant beads are non-existent. There is truly nothing as disgusting as those little white armpit nodules.

Also regarding the weather, it often rains in the city, and many of the trains have leaks. In addition, people like to put wet umbrellas on the empty seat next to them, leaving a puddle of water. If it is raining, take extra care to make sure that you are neither sitting in a puddle of water, or under an active leak. Also, watch your step more so on rainy days. The floors can get very slippery.

* Giving shrimp is when your shoes are too small, forcing the toes to curl over like shrimp.
Giving biscuit occurs when your too-tiny shoes force the heel to hang over the edge, like a biscuit.

Never Go With a Hippie to a Second Location!

In the words of 30 Rock’s Jack Donaghy, “Never go with a hippie to a second location.” A waiter friend heading home after a long night at work entered the subway to discover that his train had just left the station, meaning there would not be another train for about 20 minutes. So when another young man invited him to come back outside and smoke a joint, he agreed.

Upon exiting the train station, the man pulled a knife, robbed my friend, and—perhaps the greatest injustice of all—there was no joint to be smoked. And forget about calling the cops; how the hell can you ever explain randomly leaving a train station at 3 a.m. with a stranger?

Sidenote: If you are going to smoke on the subway, try to do it on an elevated outdoor platform, at the end of the platform, or while standing between subway cars, if you are on your train. If you must smoke marijuana in New York’s mass transit system, sit or stand next to an African-American man. The cops always accuse them of everything anyway. But be forewarned; the NYPD may sodomize you with a walkie-talkie if they catch your ass.

The Gold Bracelet Con

Of the many schemes I have seen go down while riding the subway, perhaps the most effective con is the gold bracelet bait and switch. A fairly well-dressed guy enters the train, clandestinely drops a gold bracelet to the floor, and then makes a show of picking it up, examining it, and determining that it is real gold. Pointing to his own plethora of fancy gold jewelry, he announces that he obviously doesn’t need the newfound item, but will happily part with it for a mere $20.

Wherein his heretofore unnoticed accomplice makes a much lower bid, prompting the mark to make his own, slightly higher bid. The fake gold bracelet sells for about $15, the pigeon thinks he’s gotten a great deal, and upon discovering it is fake, doesn’t think to hold the mistake against the guy who innocently found it lying on the subway floor.

Ignore these shysters, and back away quickly, keeping your hand on your wallet. You are not obligated to warn your fellow passengers, especially since these scam artists travel in pairs, and are likely to cause you grievous personal injury for blowing up their spot.

Subway Fights--When to Get Involved

Generally, the subway will get you safely—if not quickly—from one location to another. Sometimes, however, tempers will rise among passengers, and a fight will erupt on the subway train. If you see a fight, alert the MTA or police. If a gang of hoods is roaming the trains, get the hell out of the subway, and fast. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes gangs jump innocent people.

In attack in which a stronger perpetrator targets a weaker victim and you are in a position to stop said perpetrator, you are pretty much obligated to help grandma get her purse back from the mugger. So I hope you know how to defend yourself.

But as is often the case with crime, public fights will most often happen between people who already know each other. The general rule is not to get involved in private disputes—just make sure you don’t catch a stray haymaker to the jaw if the shit goes down.

The exception to this rule is in the case of a man fighting with a woman. Even if it is clear that the two people in question have a preexisting relationship, if a man physically threatens or lays his hands on a woman, you are obligated to intervene. One would expect that an able-bodied man would rise to aid a damsel in distress, but times being what they are, this does not always happen. The job then goes to the passenger with the most moxy. Using a polite tone of voice with just a mote of threat underlying it, say, “Excuse me, sir, but you need to take your hands off this lady or I will be forced to call the cops.” Be prepared to duck, in case he swings, and rest assured that you will be yelled at. Hopefully, it will only be by the man; having a woman berate you for trying to keep her from being smacked around is a total drag.

To reiterate: If the couple is yelling, let them yell. But when the man puts his hands on the woman, cautiously approach them and advise him that it is in his best interest to stop what he is doing immediately. Stick to your guns—and hope he left his at home.

Baby-Smackers

Every once in a while, you will encounter a momma on the train who likes to smack up her baby in public. This is totally not cool. But it is hard to know when to say something and when to keep your trap shut. Most of the time, you will witness a mother scolding an unruly child in a way that maybe you would not. I personally have been ashamed by things I have heard parents say and do to their children in public. I mean, this is supposed to be your precious jewel, right? Still, every parent has the right to discipline their child as they see fit (cue Natalie Merchant baby-beating song), so unless they are raising their hand to their child in a truly heinous way, the best you can do by way of reproving them is cutting your eyes at them, shaking your head unapprovingly, or otherwise letting them know that their behavior is not appropriate. If you see a parent delivering a public ass-whupping to a child younger than five, I consider it appropriate to say something along the lines of, “Take it easy on that baby.” That said, NEVER say something like that to an African-American momma. Past experience has taught me that they do not take kindly at all to other people telling them how to raise their child. No, not kindly at all.

Eye Contact, and Flirting on the Train

Given the wealth of crazy nutbags in New York City, if you flirt while commuting, you risk the chance that the object of your affections is a crazed stalker who will follow you home, gain your confidence, and once inside, hack you to small pieces to be deposited at various rest areas throughout the greater New Jersey area.

That said, we’re all guilty of looking for love in the wrong places. Getting to work on time is a little easier when you know that if you make the early train, you can spend the next hour trading clandestine glances with the leggy blond who sits in the last car. Just be sure you follow a few simple rules.

First, know that there is a very thin line between the intense longing look of a lonely heart pining to find its perfect mate, and the piercing gaze of a serial killer. If you find yourself staring, look away. Most people, if interested, will look away to give you a chance to study them. If you look away and see them checking you out as well, you are on the right track. Use the reflection in the adjacent window to keep an eye on cuties without appearing to stare.

Also, remember that you can’t really tell how tall someone is when they are sitting down. I once made a dinner date with a woman I met while I was sunbathing on the beach. She looked adorable as she towered over my blanket. When I finally rose to accompany her to dinner, I discovered to my chagrin that she was only about four feet tall. It’s all about perspective.

Similarly, you also can’t really tell how married, foreign, intelligent, or straight someone is just by looking. Use context clues wherever possible to glean some insight into your perspective subway connections’ background, but don’t be surprised if your all-American girl next door type ends up being a bottle-blond refugee from Ukraine who drives an old Cadillac convertible with one primer gray door around Brighton Beach, wearing a black bra and fur coat and downing vodka Jell-O shooters. Which may be better or worse, depending on your personal tastes.

Where you decide to go with your flirting depends largely on your personal style, but just remember that when you hit on someone on the subway, upwards of 60 people are there to bear witness on your failure or success. On the up side, you can always just move into the next car and pretend it never happened.

If someone is staring at you, the reverse stare-down will usually embarrass them into averting their eyes. Should you care for a more vocal expression of your feelings, here are some effective retorts:

─the classic, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”
─the snotty, “What the hell are you looking at?”
─the cinematic, “Expecto patronum, Starey Potter.”
─the musical, “Are you trying to cop-a-cabana, Starey Manilow?”

Reading and Conversating on the Train

New Yorkers as a whole read more than the general population. I have no data whatsoever upon which to base this blanket assumption, except for the fact that every day on the train, eight of every 10 people you see are reading, and half of those people are reading actual books. Reading is fundamental, and reading on the train is a great way to pass the time and get your daily fix of news or escapism. There are just a few things to remember, the foremost being that people will judge you based on what you read in the subway.

First, please know that porn is never appropriate subway literature. And no, not even the kind with mostly words. We can see what you are reading, and so can the sweet baby Jesus.

Book readers equal smarty-pants—unless they are reading Thomas Creighton thrillers or Danielle Steele romances. Or anything from the Babysitter’s Club series.

Also know that if you are reading the New York Post, you are instantaneously self-identifying as a sensationalist, Page Six-loving goombah. As my mentor often opined, “No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in the Post.” The Daily News is fine, as is the free AM New York handed out on the way to the train. If your paper is pink, you are identifying yourself as either a Wall Street finance junkie or a crazy conservative Christian freak. Erudite types read The New York Times or the Wall Street Journal, and older guys know how to fold it in a complicated, origami-like way to read one fourth of the page at a time, thus avoiding hitting people with their large paper. You have my admiration and respect, older origami-folder dudes. See here for a how-to guide, courtesy of WikiHow.

The MTA folks want you to throw away your paper when you’re done, and that’s fine if you want to, but if it’s a quality magazine, it’s also okay to leave it for future readers. When the train reaches the end of the line they clean it anyway, and some nice lady along the way might really like to know what’s going on in this month’s Cat Fancy.

The city offers plenty of free magazines and newspapers to read in boxes on the street, but if you fail to pick one up, you can always read and re-read the ads on the subway. Just remember to pretend to look fascinated by the improved quality of life rendered to all who undergo Dr. Zizmor’s renowned citric-acid face peels.

Conversations, or "I Don’t Need to Know Your Life, Bitch!"

When it comes right down to it, New York City is basically a small town. Live here long enough and you begin to recognize familiar faces on the trains and in the streets. Sometimes you will even run into friends or business associates as you commute. It is considered friendly to acknowledge their presence and engage in polite conversation, but please know that there are limits to what appropriate subway conversations are.

If you are disrupting the potential reading, thinking, and resting time of your fellow riders, your conversation either needs to be 1. boring and mercifully short, or 2. drawn-out, but full of fascinating gossip general enough for anyone in earshot to enjoy.

Hence, discussing the menu at your sister’s cousin’s friend’s wedding in Staten Island is off, but backbiting about how you caught your sister’s cousin’s friend’s groom-to-be giving head to his best man in the church vestibule five minutes before the wedding receives the subway conversation seal of approval.

Also, try to watch your language around kids. They grow up fast enough in this city as it is.

Subway Entertainers, Beggars, and Bums

I have a lot of respect for subway entertainers—provided they have some modicum of talent. Tourists seem to enjoy giving their money to anyone hawking anything on the train, but New Yorkers know which acts are truly worthy of that dollar bill.

One of the top acts is the break dancing kids that perform along the A, C, E line. These kids range from 5–15 years old, use the unique skills of each member of their troupe, and they know how to put the train to maximum use in their act. They enter a car, turn on a beat box, and take turns breaking. Older kids will flip younger ones to bounce off the roof of the train, two kids will link in and roll down the center aisle, while another will do acrobatics off the bars. It takes skills to pay the bills, and these kids deserve your money.

In the stations, the best break dance routine is to be found at the Times Square subway station, between the 2/3 and N/R lines. People crowd around to watch these dancers impress with their moves. Quality thrills for the whole family. Watch your wallet.

Also skilled are the mariachi players who ride along the N/R line from Sunset Park to Jackson Heights. Groups of three or four men wearing large sombreros, cowboy boots, and Western shirts adorned with fancy pearl buttons will play guitar, accordian, and percussives, and sing what I must only assume are traditional mariachi songs. They are polite and move quickly to the next car. The act is worth your time and money.

There is also a four-man doo-wop group of older African-American men on the uptown 2/3 and F lines. They aren’t great, and they stick around for a little too long singing, “Under the Boardwalk” in four-part harmony, but it’s your money, so make your own decision.

As regards non-performing beggars, I am of the mindset that if all the rest of us crazy drunks can get up every morning and go to work, so can they. I will give money to the teens selling candy so they have pocket change, and sometimes to the old African-American man on the R train who shuffles through mumbling, “Spur change, spur change,” because he’s been doing it for a decade and you have to admire that kind of dedication. His request is short, to the point, and he doesn’t pester you, unlike some down-on-their-luck types who share their tragic misfortunes with you to the point where you don’t even want to give them money anymore. Homeless folks, remember the lesson from Glengarry Glen Ross, “A-B-C: Always be closing.” Don’t talk yourself out of the sale by saying too much.

If you aren’t one of these folks, then no dice. It sounds hard, but if you can’t afford to live in New York City, you shouldn’t live in New York City.

Some bums don’t even attempt to beg. Stay away from these folks, because they have clearly lost the will to live. These are the type of crazy homeless that just sit on the train all day, and have the ability to clear out an entire subway car with either their ammonia-level stench, or their crazy, confrontational behavior. Mostly I just feel bad for these people. But not bad enough to sit near them. I am not certain if it is possible to actually die from a bad smell, but it must be somehow injurious to ingest these particles, so steer clear, just in case.

Radios on the Train

We all think our taste in music is unparalleled, but we can’t all be right. So whether your taste is Tupac or Turandot, keep it to yourself. Don’t blast your MP3 player with portable speakers because you think everyone wants to hear the hot new track you can’t get enough of. Instead, use your headphones, and try to minimize audio seepage. Do a test at home to gauge how loud your ambient music level is: If you can hear the music with the headphones in your hand, it’s too loud. If, even with headphones on, your tunes can be clearly heard by others, it’s time to ditch those Coby knockoffs and invest in a nicer set.

In that same vein, try to keep your karaoke performance limited to karaoke-specific performance venues. If you feel the urge to sing along with your portable jukebox hits, think first of how Marlee Matlin sounds when she talks. This is you, singing. If you can’t keep the music inside, just mouth the words, and leave it at that.

Try not to get carried away tapping your foot, or playing air guitar, drums, or any variety of air instruments available. Believe it or not, fellow commuters might not take too kindly to your clipping out the bass line to AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock” on the metal subway pole with the back of your Irish Claddagh wedding ring. It is true that music soothes the savage beast, but unwanted sharing of said music could have some savage repercussions.

Walking and Riding Between Cars

Another official MTA rule regards walking or riding between subway cars. Supposedly, this is bad. In some cases, such as the 7 train, with its sudden hairpin turns careening on an elevated track, it is actually dangerous. But in most cases, the rule doesn’t make much sense. If you don’t like your car or would like to be in another one and are able-bodied enough to negotiate opening doors and stepping between moving train cars, feel free to walk between cars.

Here are some tips to make it safer: Try to minimize the amount of time that your feet are split between the cars, in case of sudden turns. Pull the latch to the right and open one door, step out while holding the handle, then cross to the ledge of the next car and open that door. If someone is leaning against the door in the next car, it is polite to rap on the window before opening it, so they are not startled into falling to their death.

Riding between cars—in the sense that you spend an extended amount of time there—is frowned upon by both the MTA and by me. First off, other people might want to pass through, and if you are blocking their path of egress, what’s that about? And secondly, extended riding between cars just leaves too much chance for accidents to happen.

Most people who ride between cars are either rebellious teens, or people who decide their commute would be improved with a smoke break of some type. If you stay there long enough, the MTA will catch and ticket you. Especially on the 7 train.

Note: Most of these doors are locked on older train cars on the N, R, Q, B, and D trains. In the case of an emergency, they are automatically unlocked.

Close the Door! Can’t You See I’m Using The Toilet?

The other reason people ride or stand between subway cars for an extended period of time is if they need to use the toilet. It often happens that inebriated young men will step between cars to relieve themselves. (Beware of backsplash, as they will usually just pee on the actual door itself if it is locked).

If you decide to do this, use caution! Remember, direct the stream AWAY FROM THE THIRD RAIL! I can’t imagine how painful it would be to be electrocuted to death via 625 volts DC coursing through your junk, and frankly, I don’t want to.

On the very rare occasion, you may also find women relieving themselves between cars. One unforgettable tale is that of a friend who, attempting to pass through to another car, encountered a homeless woman squatting, taking a shit.

“Close the door! Can’t you see I’m in the toilet?” she hollered. As crazy as that may be, it is in fact quite impolite to walk into the toilet while someone is using it. And, since you may no longer want to walk between those particular cars once that person is finished, wait until the next station stop, and take the scenic route.

If I Smell Soup, Someone Better Be Eating Soup!

In other parts of the world, the concept of personal hygiene is still in its nascent stages of development. New York City, where anal bleaching is a valid cosmetic procedure, is not one of those places.

Please do your best to be non-offensive smelling when riding the public transportation system. It is to be taken into consideration that some burly construction worker types will sweat and smell on the afternoon commute home. This is acceptable, because you are a worker, and it is what it is. This is much less tolerable in short-order cooks, so if you work in a restaurant, keep your coat or an extra shirt in the locker room, and wipe the grease off your shoes (or better yet, change them) before you get on the train. You smell like fried fish. Also, there is no excuse for smelling like pits on your way to work, so please be considerate, at least during the morning commute.

That said, take it easy on the cheap cologne and aftershave, and don’t spritz hairspray or paint your nails while riding. The train is no place to be doing your personal grooming. Specifically, clipping your nails. My skin crawls and I am compelled to move into another car whenever I hear the unmistakable piercing clip of someone thoughtlessly grooming themselves in public. Nobody wants to be hit with the thorny shrapnel of your dead skin, so unless it is a hangnail emergency, do that shit at home! IT IS NEVER OKAY!

Please also try to avoid passing gas on a crowded subway train. If you think it may be a problem and are concerned about personal embarrassment, sit next to an old person before your toot your horn. You can blame it on them, and if they’re old enough, they will probably think they did it, too.

Some stenches are just so wrong, they defy understanding. If you are a normal person working a regular job, there is no way you should smell that bad. Because quite frankly, if I smell soup, somebody sure as hell better be eating soup!


Eating on the Train

The MTA has a lot of rules for riders, one of which is no eating or drinking allowed on the train. In this rare instance, I can agree with their decision. (Not the drinking part, per se, although if you enter a subway train toting a hot beverage sans lid, you deserve to be scalded for your foolishness.)

But regarding eating on the train, unless you are starving to death and the train ride is the only time you have to scarf down food before you get to work, the subway is no place to eat. Snacks like candy and chips are fine, but please, don’t litter. Morning breakfast sandwiches are also grudgingly accepted, noting the aforementioned clause. (But your eggs stink, and you know it.) Please be especially considerate when eating around pregnant women, as odd or strong smells often trigger morning sickness.

The subway is by no stretch of the imagination an ideal picnicking area, and anything you eat, no matter how delicious it smells to you, reeks to high heaven for everyone else. If you don’t believe me, take a walk around your apartment building around dinnertime and tell me if you smell anything even remotely edible. Then imagine being trapped with that smell (what is that, anyway, boiled tripe?) for the next hour. Have some sympathy. If you must eat, pick fried chicken. Almost everyone likes the smell of fried chicken, even if it is disgusting to watch you eat it. And stop dropping your damned bones on the floor!

Items that must in no way ever be consumed on a subway train include onion bagels with chive cream cheese, any kind of Chinese food, subs, hoagies, grinders, or anything with garlic and deli meat on it, and anything Indian. If I wanted to smell like curry, I would have taken a taxi.

Also, if you have children who are snacking on the train, don’t leave a trail of Hi-C punch and Cheerios in your wake. Get a Wet One and clean up after your ankle-biter before you exit. And keep the cap on your Diet Pepsi; that shit gets sticky when it spills!

How to Ride in Rush Hour

Often, especially during morning and evening rush hour, the train is simply so crowded that you have no choice but to touch your fellow passengers. This too comes with its own unspoken etiquette, complicated and full of nuances that can take years to learn. For the uninitiated, there is a simple rule to be followed: If you must touch people, touch them in a way that indicates that you are receiving absolutely no pleasure whatsoever from the experience.

Put your bags on the floor, but hold your arms, hands, and elbows at shoulder height to create a “cage” of personal space around you. Arrange your body so that it touches the side of some other person, as opposed to the front or back. If you must stack, go butt to butt. For the sake of all that is good and holy, do not spoon against someone on the subway train. Unless you are romantically involved, there is never a situation in which it is appropriate to fully press your body into that of another person, crowded train be damned. You are commuting here, not romancing the stone.

Sometimes the Train is Full, Bitch!

This dovetails very nicely with the previous section. Sometimes, when all the seats are full and all the people on the train are as smashed into each other as possible, it could be that the train has reached its capacity. Clues that might indicate this situation include completely full subway cars, and angry passengers keeping the doors from closing completely.

Should you witness something like this, do not try to attempt to board. Sometimes the train is full, bitch! No more people can safely fit in, but there are always those diehards and foreign visitors who insist upon cramming their bodies into the train, armpits flailing into the air, toes stepped upon, misery palpable.

No one likes to be inconvenienced by waiting for the next train, but in most cases, if the train is this crowded, it is because it is running late, and the next train, directly behind it, will be blissfully empty. Wait for it. The constant exceptions to this rule are the 2/3 train at rush hour, and the Manhattan-bound L train, as it reaches Bedford Avenue. These trains are always busy. Sometimes you have to let one or two trains pass before you can get in, even if you’re only traveling three stops to Union Square.

Hey, This Car’s Empty!

Imagine it’s a hot day, summer in the city, and after sweating out the wait on a crowded subway station, a train pulls into the station with one car blissfully empty. DO NOT ENTER THIS CAR! It is empty for a reason, and trust me, you do not want to discover the reason.

Fight instinct and logic and follow the crowd into already-occupied cars. This seemingly perfect empty car is either 150 degrees with windows that don’t open, or inhabited by a smell too heinous and hard-core for even New Yorkers to handle, a crazy homeless person exuding said smell, or a wayward rat that has scurried in at a previous stop.

Appropriate Space Between People

Maintaining the appropriate amount of space between riders on a subway train is a constant battle. The rule of thumb is to always place the maximum amount of space available between yourself and the next closest rider. Similar to elevator etiquette, there is a prescribed spot intended for each subsequent rider. Deviating from this etiquette may cause fellow riders to give you the fisheye, silently hate you, or openly accuse you of being a pervert.

When sitting: Refer to the tips above to determine which seats are best. However, be ready to adjust your sitting pattern as the train dynamics change. For example, if you start your trip on a crowded train, it is acceptable to sit cheek-by-jowl with fellow riders. But when other passengers leave, opening up prime seats, it is considered odd to remain so close to a stranger. Move away, and give a bitch some breathing room!

Slide over to the end seat, or move to an empty two-seater bench and put your feet up (just move them when more riders or cops come through.) There is no rule that says you have to stay in the first seat you chose, i.e. “When the no smoking sign is off, feel free to move about the cabin.”

Conversely, if the train is empty when you board, it is considered highly odd (serial killer-ish, frankly) to sit directly next to the only other occupant. We all spend enough time crammed up against other people; enjoy the space when it’s available.

One notable exception: After months of scoping out a subway hottie, she enters an empty train, and sits directly next to me. Realizing the obvious oddity of the situation, I start a conversation, in which she discovers I am a magazine writer, and I learn that she is a hosiery designer. She offers me her number, and asks me to call if I find myself in need of socks or tights for photo fashion shoots. As she exits the train, I quip, “I’ll be sure to call you; I’m always looking for some good hose.” See subway flirting for more on this subject.

When standing: As mentioned before, hold onto something. If you choose one of the vertical bars in the middle, hold onto it with one hand, making sure not to rub against all the other hands holding on. Stand at arms’ length of the pole, and arrange your body sideways, so that it is in the most distant, disaffected position as relates to fellow bar-holders.

Advanced subway riders can sometimes “sub-surf,” negotiating turns, stops, and starts hands-free. This technique requires a moderately wide stance (not Senator Larry Craig wide), advanced levels of balance and dexterity, and the mental wherewithal to anticipate and quickly adapt to changes.

Should you choose to stand in front of door-standers, don’t stand with your back to them, like you’re stacked inside of a goddamned can of Pringles. Face them, and give them a reasonable comfort zone of space (at least two feet), with your body slightly turned at an angle so as not to imply a face-down, and hold onto the side bar.

Should you need to hover over the person in the map seat to find directions, please be sure to move away once you have accomplished your goal. Hanging over the map seat air-humping your way to your chosen stop is creepy, and it prevents other lost individuals from accessing information about upcoming stops.

In general, if you are standing adjacent to a middle of a set of seats, try to avoid hanging onto the top bar hovering over the hapless sittee below, weaving your legs between theirs. Unless you are dating, back the fuck up! This isn’t a cast call for the long-anticipated remake of Dirty Dancing. Also avoid standing with your crotch pressed up against people sitting on perpendicular two-seaters benches. Your nuts in their hair does not qualify as business casual.

Finally, most heinous of all: Do not stand in front of an empty seat blocking it, when other people clearly would sit down if possible. This fuckery simply will not be tolerated.

No Seats Left?

Sometimes, there are just no seats left. This is a great time to pretend that you had wanted to stand anyway. The best place to stand in any train car is leaning against the doors. Fuck the MTA signs; if you do it right, you’re not blocking anything.

Standing in Doorways
The rules regarding doorway standing are very clear! Each doorway has room to accommodate TWO PEOPLE, no more, no less. There is a very clear line of demarcation between the doors; should you find someone who significantly overlaps into your half of the doorway, an incredulous “Just how much room do you need, man?” should be sufficient.

The appropriate way to stand in the doors is with your back facing the door. Unless you’re crossing the bridge and have something to look out at, don’t stare into a tunnel of nothingness like some sociopath serial killer. Likewise, don’t stand sideways so that your ass is at mouth level with the person sitting on the end seat. Unless you are J-Lo, nobody wants to ride with your ass up against their face. It’s just rude.

Etiquette requires that if you want the door spot, you need to be the last person to enter the train. Don’t even try to walk one step into the car and stop because you want the spot; you are blocking other people who need to get on the train, ergo, you are a colossal asshole.

When you reach a station, move to the side so people can enter and exit the train. If there is a large crowd of people, you must step out of the car when it stops, keeping one hand on the door to let people know that you are in the door spot and are being courteous. You are fully entitled to reoccupy your previous spot if you have extended this courtesy; however, don’t expect to reassume this location if you have retreated into the car, or if you block the incoming crowd by trying to hang onto this precious commodity.

After the door spot, the best place to stand is at the very end of the car, near the access doors. Don’t lean on these doors, however; they frequently open, and you could fall to your death.

Other standing places vary, but try to avoid the following behaviors:

Do not lean against or hug the bar! If you don’t have the strength to stand upright unassisted, you should not be out in public. If you feel the urge to wrap yourself around the bar like it is your long-lost love, get over it. People need to hold onto something so they don’t fall, so don’t be an ass. Effective strategies for curbing this behavior is to grab the bar firmly with one knuckle extended, making a firm, jabbing contact with the spine of the pole-sloucher. In the case of long-haired women, snagging a chunk of their hair as you grasp onto the bar produces immediate results. Either strategy can be written off as an accident that would not have happened had the person not been sprawled out along the bar.

Dealing with pole huggers is more difficult. These pathetic safety mongers are often easily embarrassed, and it is usually sufficient to mutter something along the lines of, “I hate to break up your love affair with the pole, but…” or “You and this pole look very happy together, but…”

Sidenote: Don’t pole dance in the subway, and don’t let your kids do it, either. It is never okay. You always look like a fool, and your children look like stripper crack whores in training.

Where to Sit

To the unwary, a moderately empty subway train may appear to offer a vast field of potential seats. But life in New York City revolves around real estate, and seasoned veterans know that some seats are simply better than others.

There are two types of subway trains. The first is like the L, 2, 3, 4, and 5 trains: two benches running parallel along either side, with a tiny two-seater bench on each end. All new trains have these single, parallel benches (see photo).

Photo caption: New subway trains have parallel rows of seats. The best is the end seat, above. The other type is like older N, R, and Q trains: a collection of seats, three across and two perpendicular, with two bench seats on either end.

On the first type of train, the best seat is either one of the tiny bench seats (see second photo, above), or the last seat on either row of longer benches. This insures you a place to rest your arm, a quicker exit upon arrival to your destination, and one less sweaty person pressing against you. On the second type of train, the Holy Grail is the perpendicular-facing end seat, preferably with a window—but not all trains have this seat. An ideal seat is the inside window seat of the perpendicular chairs. The window pane affords a good resting place for your elbow or arm, and the slight bump under the seat is ideal for propping a foot upon. Avoid resting your head against the window; if you look, you will see a grease stain worthy of an antimacassar.

Sidenote: This seat has the potential to become the worst seat ever. Should a family or other large group of people enter the train and assume the empty seats next to and in front of you, surrender the area immediately to them. Don’t even fight it; the magic is gone.

The next best seat is the end seat closest to the door, for the aforementioned reasons. The third best is the two-person bench at the end, but only if you are the only one sitting there, as these end-benches are smaller on the older trains than on the newer ones, and you may spend your voyage rubbing thighs with a chain-smoking divorcee from Bed-Stuy.

As noted above, the perfect seat may become a nightmare seat, depending on who occupies the adjoining seat. The obvious bad choice is the clearly homeless, crazy, drunk, or vagrant rider. Do not sit next to this person, for reasons you can clearly see and smell. However, not every bad co-rider is as easily identifiable.

Here are some (slightly discriminatory) tips on who to avoid:

Don’t sit by old Jewish men. They often smell like mothballs, cabbage, and sweat-soaked polyester, they take an extra seat for their big furry hats, and they spend the whole ride muttering passages from the Torah and picking their noses.

Don’t sit by Orthodox Jewish families at all. They tend to have loads of children, and don’t seem to mind when their kids climb all over the seats. They also favor using the big perambulator-type strollers from the 1950s, which take up a disproportionate amount of room. Plus, they stare in a very unsettling, accusatory way.

Avoid teenagers whenever possible. Try not to ride the train AT ALL between 2:30-4 p.m., when the kids get off school and journey home, pumped full of sugar and angst. They make a lot of noise, yell and cuss to show off to their friends, and are generally rude and disruptive. Especially to be avoided are groups of African-American and Hispanic teenage girls. It takes only one eye-roll to find yourself face to face with a confrontational, disenfranchised youth with a chip on her shoulder and a razor blade tucked into her weave. Move cautiously into the next subway car, avoiding eye contact. Seriously. Teenagers are the most awful force on the planet, worse even than people who shoot arctic wolves from helicopters.

For many of the same reasons, avoid sitting next to large groups of men, regardless of age. They are often drunk and looking to prove a point or make their Neanderthal travel companions guffaw. They like to say stupid, sexist, homophobic, racist things loud enough for the entire car to hear, hoping their misguided attempts at bravado will be rewarded by the rest of the clan.

Never sit next to or between two elderly Asian people. They are almost always carrying bags of dried fish, and it is apparently a custom in their culture to talk to each other in high-decibel level tones, even if they are sitting in close proximity. It sounds like cats being choked, all gee-ra-chow-gos and toothless grins.

Keep a wary eye out for the clandestine drunk. This person often lives far from their initial point of drunkenness, and enters the subway hoping to make it home intact. However, the subsequent shaking of the train can cause nausea, which when exposed to over extensive periods of time, can cause vomiting. You do not want to sit next to this future puker. Tips for spotting this person include their rolling eyes and head, slight drooling or gagging, and nodding out. Often, these boozehounds fall asleep and awake when the train reaches the yards in Coney Island. It is considered thoughtful at this point to awaken and inform passed-out drunks of their location, before the NYPD has the chance to do so. They tend to be less thoughtful and understanding of persons in this condition.

Side note: When someone does puke on the subway, move away quickly, but kindly. If possible, offer a Kleenex, water, or piece of gum to the puker. That’s good karma for your own future public pukes. Whenever possible, move to the next car. Puke stinks, and makes other people puke.

Finally, avoid Mr. Elephant Nuts. Whether he suffers a medical condition or is simply overestimating the amount of breathing room needed for his junk, this breed of man revels in spreading his legs so wide it is nearly impossible to occupy any adjacent seats. He is a douche bag, and does not seem to be concerned in the slightest by that fact.

The Map Seat
Every subway car is equipped with two MTA maps on either end of the car. If you choose to sit in the map seat, be prepared for lost travelers to hover over you. Try to be accommodating. If you are a cowboy with a 10-gallon Stetson hat, this is not an ideal seat for you. If you are a seasoned rider in the map seat, feel free to offer travel advice to lost riders as you deem appropriate.

Again, be aware of your surroundings. If someone is hovering over you, check to see if you are actually in the map seat. Sometimes, as I unfortunately had the bad fortune to discover, the person who appears to be looking over your shoulder at the map is a drunk Hispanic man jacking off onto your New York Times.

Entering and Exiting Train Cars

So, your train has finally arrived. Nothing left to do but get in, right? Oh, you could not be more mistaken. Entering subway train cars is an art form. With some quick reflexes and practice, you can become proficient. Before the train even stops, gauge whether it is crowded, and scan the closest car for any empty seats you can claim. When the train comes to a stop, flank either side of the door, but do not stand directly in front of it. Allow passengers who clearly desire to leave to exit before you enter the train. (Straggling exiters are to be left to battle the masses.)

When you walk into the train car, walk all the way in, at least four steps. There are almost always going to be other people behind you who also want to enter the train, and your reluctant mincing is getting you all nowhere, fast. As you enter, look for a seat, and sit down. If someone else is clearly angling to take the same seat, the winner takes it all, unless that person is elderly or pregnant, in which case it is polite to offer that seat up.

Be very wary of riders who are only partially seated before the subway takes off. These are almost always tourists or slow, fat people, and they will tumble into you, hitting you in the face with their oversized backpack or ass. Even though they are retarded douche bags who don’t even know enough to hold onto something on a moving train and deserve to fall, be prepared to catch them.

Even if the train is not very crowded, take off your backpacks or large bags and put them on the floor between your legs, whether you are sitting or standing. Nobody wants to be hit by your fucking luggage. One seasoned rider likes to loudly repeat the word “backpack” until the offender complies. Polite requests may also work.

Sidenote: It is my firm belief that no one but hikers and schoolchildren should be wearing backpacks, so if you are a grown person and not on the way to a camping trip, get a briefcase or messenger bag like your other adult friends. Try and revive the attaché case, bitch. Something.

Holding the Doors
Sometimes, it is acceptable to hold the doors for other passengers attempting to make the train. If the person yells, “Hold the train!” and is within six feet of the train, hold the door by putting a hand or foot against the rubber between the doors. Avoid touching it with your clothing or torso, as it can leave unsightly black stains. (Remember this when attempting to push open the doors while wearing your best white suit. I have personally seen this disaster unfold.)

If, however, the person is not even through the turnstile, or wants you to hold the doors for a large group of friends, let that ship sail. You are in no way beholden to extend the courtesy of door holding for slackers and party people, and in the case of morning rush hour, doing so could result in grievous injury imparted upon your person by fellow passengers late to work. It is simply not worth it.

Another circumstance in which it is acceptable to hold the door is in the case of an elderly or infirm passenger attempting to exit when the conductor is in a quick-shut mode, meaning only the most minimal amount of time transpires between the opening and closing of subway doors. Those with strollers, gaggles of children, or bulky items should also be assisted, again, not because you are kind to children and old folks, but because it benefits everyone to keep the train moving.

Prewalking and Platform Standing

You will often see savvy New Yorkers scrambling to be at a certain point on the platform before their train arrives. This is a phenomenon known as “prewalking.” By putting yourself where you will need to be for your next departure or transfer point, you ensure that you will be among the first people to reach that desired point, thereby expediting your voyage. Some (usually older) people mock this practice, but common consensus holds that since you need to walk that distance anyway, it is better done while you are underground, biding your time.

A word to the wise: avoid prewalking to the very ends of unknown (or known nefarious) subway stations, as these are the areas in which miscreants often choose to piss, puke, and have public sex. Also, serial killers and CHUD like to snatch pretty girls and boys from the ends of desolate platforms and drag them back to their lair.

Sidenote: Should you need to puke, don’t try to hang your head over the edge of the platform. A train could come and decapitate you. Also, don’t try to make it into the trash can. You won’t. Go to the end of the platform, as noted above, or aim for a place away from the path of traffic.

If you don’t know where the exit is for your next departure point, (or for some unfathomable reason don’t care to prewalk) please move away from the stairs when you enter the subway platform. Similarly, do not park it on parts of the platform with limited clearance, such as the two-foot wide walkways surrounding staircases and other tight spots. Forward-thinking prewalkers should not be forced to navigate teeming masses of hoi polloi as they negotiate the platform.

Should you choose to sit down, please first make sure there is no gum, cum, ink, or other foreign matter on the seat. Occupy only one seat, and put your bags on the floor so other people can also sit on the bench. Old people in particular like to sit down a lot; offer them your seat if they look like they want it. Ditto for pregnant women; just be sure they are actually pregnant. Getting pimp-smacked for inadvertently insulting a fat bitch can ruin your workday. Paved with good intentions, and all that.

When traveling with children (or stupid adults), refrain from allowing them to cram their bodies into the tiny recesses of the I-beams along the platforms. This area is an absolutely filthy repository of subway grime and grit, and letting your precious child squeeze their body into it is akin to allowing them to play hide and seek behind the toilet in a public restroom. Likewise, try to avoid having your children excessively handle subway walls, benches, or poles, as they are inexplicably compelled to put their hands directly into their mouths afterwards. Adults would also be wise to limit unnecessary touching and licking of subway surface areas, and to use a wet-nap or antibacterial hand cleaner after riding.

When Your Train Arrives
With a little forethought and attention, riders can usually anticipate the approach of the next subway train. Seasoned riders will extend a hand over the platform edge to feel for the breeze of an approaching subway train pushing through the tunnel.

Warning: Turn your head before the train enters the station, especially if you are near the end of the platform. The uprising of stale air reeks of piss, and the rush of the approaching train scatters tiny dirt particles, which can get into your eyes.

If you are unable to feel the train approaching, carefully step to the yellow line and peer down the tracks for a sign of approaching lights. Similarly, if you are already on a train and looking to make a connection with a local or express train running on the same line, keep your eyes peeled while riding and you may see what you need on a parallel track. Transfer at the next opportunity. You can also try to catch up to it. For example, if you just missed the B train at West 4th Street, but the F train is in the station, hop on that and ride one stop up to Broadway/Lafayette Street, where you may just be able to catch that B. Probably not, but maybe.

Trains often take a frustratingly long time to arrive, particularly at night. Try to avoid drunken outbursts directed toward the MTA. First, because MTA workers don’t care, and can’t do anything about it anyway. And second, because it could prove to be deadly. Once, at about 3 a.m., a drunken man on the Brooklyn-bound Atlantic Avenue N/R platform took out his aggression by punching a passing 7 train. Because the 7 is a slightly slimmer train than the N/R, when the man’s watch caught on the subway window he punched, he was dragged right under the train. It sounded like sneakers being thrown against the back wall of a closet. I had to yell to the conductor to stop the train. Luckily the man lived…I think. It was late, so when my train finally arrived, I wasn’t going to stick around for the gripping conclusion. Callous? That’s neither here nor there. Just don’t punch or otherwise initiate contact with a moving subway train. It’s dumb.

Exercise similar self-control when contemplating catching a ride on the running boards of departing trains—a sport popular with young men. As the MTA posters warn, “This could be the last ride of your life.”

I Want To Go To There

Presumably, you will have some idea where you are going before you even decide to enter a subway station. But it is entirely reasonable to assume that you may not know how to get there. Luckily, there is a handy, full-sized map posted on each subway platform. It has information on all the trains and routes, when local and express trains run, and which routes connect, either directly across the platform, or through a series of tunnels and stairs. Thanks for that, MTA. With a little studying, you should be able to find out how to get from where you are to where you want to be—provided it is a weekday, during daytime hours.

Weekends and late nights are another matter altogether. Expect trains to run both locally and sporadically on evenings and weekends. Posted next to subway maps, a weekend service advisory will tell you which trains won’t be running to which stations, and how to get around those obstacles. Sometimes, there is no good answer. For example, if there is no 7 train to Queensboro Plaza, and no N train from 57th and Seventh Avenue to Queens, how can one possibly make their way to Sunnyside on a weekend afternoon? You tell me. No, I’m serious. Tell me.

More to the point, does anyone know what the MTA officials are thinking when they do shit like this? Like really, no F train service to Fourth Avenue and 9th Street on weekends means no one from South Brooklyn can easily travel to the Lower East Side for fun Saturday night hijinks. Really, MTA? This is what our increasing fares get us? Really?

Note: Never try to take the G train anywhere. It doesn’t matter what it looks like on the map, it’s faster to just go through Manhattan and then head back into Brooklyn. You’re just going to have to take my word for it. This train is like the place where all your lost single socks and ball-point pens end up. It’s the other side of the mirror in all those middling horror movies. It’s a dead zone, kids.

Further complicating weekend service changes are the fact that even those changes are subject to change. Keep a sharp eye for orange service change posters on the subway platform, and heed those directions. When in doubt, follow the crowd, or ask someone not too crazy looking who also appears to be waiting for that train. Again, be prepared for local train service—even on express lines—during weekends; also expect extremely slow-moving shuttle train service to replace regularly slow-moving local service on late nights and weekends, particularly at the ends of subway lines.

Sometimes even your best efforts will fail you. You may enter an uptown A train that should run locally, only to discover after the doors close that the conductor has decided the next stop will be 125th Street. All you can do is cross back over to the opposite platform, and hope the next train stops where you need it to. Or alternately, you could use the opportunity to exit the station and explore some of the hidden culinary wonders of Harlem. That’s gonna have to be your call, though.

Buying Your Metrocard

Since they retired tokens several years ago, and due to the long lines and bad attitudes of MTA employees, buying a subway pass often requires you to use an automated machine. Press start, choose whether you want to ride once or an unlimited amount of time, plug in the duration of time you would like your card to be active for, and when prompted, pay in either cash or with a card. I couldn’t care less.

 

What is important about purchasing an MTA pass is that when you do so, do it fast. Know how long you need your pass for, and have the cash or credit card ready to insert. Try to avoid testing all of your existing passes before purchasing your MTA pass during morning rush hour, if at all possible. People need to get to work.

 

Also, be aware that unlimited Metrocard rides are intended for one-person use. To help ensure this, the MTA maintains a 17-minute window between swipes. If you accidentally enter the wrong side of a subway station or otherwise screw up while entering, you can either wait it out, use a single-ride pass, or throw yourself upon the mercy of whichever subway attendant is around to open the gate for you.

 

If you are visiting the city with your entire family and having a hard time navigating the machine, please ask your relatives to move to the side, so other people who know what they are doing can quickly assist you and get you the hell out of their way. If possible, have the one person who knows what they are doing swipe family members in, one at a time, and hold on to the card. That way, the next time you ride, you don’t have to go through a three-card monte to figure out where the hell you all put your Metrocards.

 

When swiping your Metrocard, hold it so the word “Metrocard” is visible to you, and move it through the slot in a single, fluid movement. Be sure not to go too fast, or too slow. The digital readout will let you know if either has occurred. If this is new to you, be sure to glance at the reader to make sure your swipe registered before entering, or else you will smash your nuts into an immobile metal bar.

 

In the case that the message reads “swipe card again at this turnstile,” follow that advice. Moving to another turnstile will likely void your ride. Similarly, when entering through a circular gate turnstile, be sure to walk forward only after swiping your Metrocard. Pulling the gate back or forward, even slightly, will make the mechanism believe a rider has passed through, and you will be stuck outside the gate.

 

In the case of subway stations where there are only circular gates, patrons entering the station have priority over those exiting. Because many riders are unaware or unconcerned about this rule, if you are preparing to enter and hear a train arriving, it would be wise to hustle. Those exiting will not often extend the courtesy of allowing you to enter while they are exiting, and as is often the case in life, majority rules.

 

When exiting subway turnstiles, push gates at a moderate speed with your hand to control backlash. Advanced riders may also employ the slide-step move, in which the lead foot advances, while the back foot slides, propelling the body smoothly through the gates.

 

When exiting circular gates, be careful not to go too fast, or the back-bounce will clip your heels and leave a nasty mark, like breaking in new shoes. Use caution when exiting through these gates with large packages or umbrellas; items easily get enmeshed in rungs, leaving you temporarily trapped. In the case of large items, strollers, or carts, exit via the emergency gate. Push the bar, and ignore the alarm. The SWAT team will not rush out and chase you down. This exit is also appropriate for large crowds exiting during rush hour.

 

There are often people too poor to afford a Metrocard waiting outside the gates, relying upon the kindness of strangers to make their fare. As a gesture of courtesy, you may choose to swipe one of these people in on your way out of a station. If you have an unlimited Metrocard, it is a cost-free charitable act. That said, you would be wise to avoid giving away swipes in the presence of cops. They may not always appreciate your charitable acts of kindness.

Negotiating a Staircase

The rule of thumb when entering or leaving a New York City subway station is to assume that the person behind you is late to the most important event of their life. Keeping that in mind, please ascend and descend the stairs in the safest, fastest way possible, with those going up on the right, those going down on the left. Urge slow movers to increase their pace by hurling at them invectives such as “What the fuck, are you sleepwalking?” or, “Is this your first day with your new feet? Move it!” Exceptions to this are in effect only in the case of very old or very fat people. Sidestep them silently and patiently, because you too will one day be old and fat.

Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to meander slowly down the stairs when someone is behind you. Gravity is taking care of half the work for you. If you feel you need to walk slowly up the stairs due to some medical reason or general laziness, do not rush to be the first one on the staircase. Fall back, with the other fatties and ennui-ridden losers.

Offer to assist ladies with strollers or granny carts, not because you are particularly concerned about their bad backs or lifting prowess, but because it serves the greater good to keep people moving.

Blocking the subway stairs while finishing a cigarette or a cell-phone conversation is a grievous offense. The ideal response is a sucker punch to the nuts; appropriate, less confrontational responses include “accidentally” bumping into the standee while you are descending, or the more milquetoast delivery of the semi-polite statement, “Excuse me, but you’re blocking the way.” Sitting on the steps is a lesser offense most often perpetrated by schoolchildren. An “accidental” kick to the offender is usually sufficient to express one’s point.

The Escalators

In most places around the world, it is acceptable to stand on an escalator with a friend, arms akimbo, and let the world pass you by as you slowly ascend to higher terra firma. New York is not one of these places. In this city, escalators are viewed as stairs that do part of the walking for you. Not walking up the escalator is considered by most New Yorkers to be a poor investment of time. After all, every step you take on your upward ascent is equal to three regular steps. And, with the exception of single-rider width escalators that shoot you up several stories in less than a minute (see Smith and 9th Street, G line), you are expected to continue lifting one foot after the other as you simultaneously ride up the escalator. As is the general rule in New York, if you must stand still, stay in a single file to the right. If you’re walking up the stairs, stay on the left, and if you can’t keep the pace, move back into the slow lane. Impeding one’s method of egress is akin to a temporal cock-block, and should be avoided. In fact, as I approach you from the rear, it occurs to me that perhaps you should consider taking the regular, old-fashioned stairs once in a while.