Watch New Yorkers negotiate crowded sidewalks with ease, and you may begin to have an appreciation for the unspoken laws that keep this great metropolis moving. Order in the midst of chaos doesn’t just occur, so we forgive you non-Gothamites for not understanding how to correctly move your bodies from point A to point B without invoking the ire of every angry Guido from Broadway to the Bronx. That said, we expect you to at least make an effort to not put this smooth-talking, fast-walking city to a grinding halt. Just keep these tips in mind.
Pedestrian traffic patterns in New York are divided into several lanes going in either direction. You would do well to follow them, and not try and fight the crowd. In busy parts of town, such as Midtown, the savvy walker will notice that there are five streams of traffic: one lane each way in the middle, a slightly slower lane next to buildings, a fast lane on the outside, and a super-fast lane of walkers near or actually in the street. Find the lane that suits you and follow the crowd at a steady pace. Don’t behave erratically, or try to dart ahead of people in your same lane. Most importantly, don’t make any sudden about-faces or abrupt stops; you are likely to cause a pedestrian pile-up. And don’t hustle on over to the fast lane, only to slow your pace. Go with the flow.
If you or your entourage need to stop for any reason, follow the rules of the road: Merge safely to the inside lane (next to a building), glance over your shoulder for fast-movers approaching from behind, and then stop. Don’t block paths of egress, don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk to tie your shoe or check your map, and whatever you do, do not stop moving! This thriving metropolis of more than 8 million people are not going to be voluntarily late to the pressing engagements of their lives while you decide whether or not you’d like to pop into Starbucks for a latte.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
How To Walk in Manhattan
Dear tourists: Welcome to New York. We hate you, your suburban attitudes, your blinding, bright-white sneakers, and your fanny packs! But please bolster our economy by spending lots of money. And try to follow our rules.
Fuck You, We’re Not Rude!
No matter what the rest of the world might believe, New Yorkers are not inherently rude. We may be brusque, we often voice our opinions (even when unsolicited), and we will sometimes even breeze by someone who is clearly in need of help, but it’s not because we totally hate your stinking guts. It’s just that we have places to be, and don’t take kindly to having our precious time wasted. Navigating the city and its hordes of huddled masses yearning to breathe free takes time, and you blocking the sidewalk like the wretched refuse of our teeming shores doesn’t help the cause any.
In general, New Yorkers will help a lost lamb find its way—as long as you keep it short. Try and know where you need to go, and ask passers-by simple questions, such as “Which way to Seventh Avenue?” Questions that can be answered by a quick hand gesture are best.
However, sometimes you need more detailed directions about a specific place in the part of town you are in. I suggest asking someone walking a dog—you know they live in the area, and are less likely to be beating feet on the way to work. Cops sometimes know something about the area, but don’t approach them unless you really love cops. Avoid asking street vendors—they are often painfully ignorant of their surroundings, and will give a soupçon of totally unwarranted attitude with their uninformed answer.
The Two-Wide Rule
Unless you are ambling through the Cloisters or some similarly wild and wooly urban nature area, the hard and fast rule regarding walking in New York City is to maintain a two-wide maximum. What that means for you and your extended family unit is that you cannot fan out like Minesweeper and expect everyone to move out of the way while you meander through Times Square, pointing up toward the sky and taking pictures. Two people across, max, means exactly that. If you have three people, one goes behind. If you have four, that means two pairs of twos. Get it? Good. Do not make me cut a bitch.
Fuck You, We’re Not Rude!
No matter what the rest of the world might believe, New Yorkers are not inherently rude. We may be brusque, we often voice our opinions (even when unsolicited), and we will sometimes even breeze by someone who is clearly in need of help, but it’s not because we totally hate your stinking guts. It’s just that we have places to be, and don’t take kindly to having our precious time wasted. Navigating the city and its hordes of huddled masses yearning to breathe free takes time, and you blocking the sidewalk like the wretched refuse of our teeming shores doesn’t help the cause any.
In general, New Yorkers will help a lost lamb find its way—as long as you keep it short. Try and know where you need to go, and ask passers-by simple questions, such as “Which way to Seventh Avenue?” Questions that can be answered by a quick hand gesture are best.
However, sometimes you need more detailed directions about a specific place in the part of town you are in. I suggest asking someone walking a dog—you know they live in the area, and are less likely to be beating feet on the way to work. Cops sometimes know something about the area, but don’t approach them unless you really love cops. Avoid asking street vendors—they are often painfully ignorant of their surroundings, and will give a soupçon of totally unwarranted attitude with their uninformed answer.
The Two-Wide Rule
Unless you are ambling through the Cloisters or some similarly wild and wooly urban nature area, the hard and fast rule regarding walking in New York City is to maintain a two-wide maximum. What that means for you and your extended family unit is that you cannot fan out like Minesweeper and expect everyone to move out of the way while you meander through Times Square, pointing up toward the sky and taking pictures. Two people across, max, means exactly that. If you have three people, one goes behind. If you have four, that means two pairs of twos. Get it? Good. Do not make me cut a bitch.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Fuck Google Maps
Many people may point to Google maps as if advice like mine were now no longer warranted. No, I resolutely reply, How to Ride is not about station stops and shortcuts, but about etiquette and insider-rider savvy. To be fair, I accessed Google maps to see what kinds of advice they would offer regarding my morning commute. The results were laughable, I daresay even ludicrous: to travel from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to Wall Street, they suggested taking the R to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., and transferring to the 2/3 to Wall Street.
This is wrong on so many fronts. First of all, if you are traveling during morning rush hour, every other R train will meet up with an N express at 59th Street. Transfer there and take the express all the way to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., keeping an eye out for the M local train on the opposite track, which will take you in only four stops to Broad Street, at the corner of Wall. Bada-boom, bada-bing.
If you miss the express and take the R train local all the way to the top of Brooklyn, it doesn’t make sense to switch at all—you may as well go four more stops and just walk up Water Street to Wall. It takes only five minutes. And, what Google maps won’t tell you about their “handy” 2/3 transfer is that going between these two tracks means navigating about 200 stairs. There is a hefty, steep flight up from the N/R, another steep flight down, a short traverse through the underground passage, and then a hustle up another very steep staircase. All in morning rush hour. Plus, once you are there, the 2/3 train still hits about six stops before it reaches Wall Street.
My point being, how this can possibly be considered the shortest route? This leads me to my aforementioned conclusion: Fuck Google maps.
At this point, I consider it behoovy of me to share with you some of the best shortcuts I have learned throughout the years.
--Keep moving forward! If a train comes that is going in your direction, take it. You may meet up with your train at a future stop.
--If you miss your transfer to the downtown D/B express trains at W. 4th St. and an F/V train is across the platform, hop on. You should be able to catch up with the express at Broadway/Lafayette St.
--When going to Times Square, a Q train is often a less-crowded alternative to other express trains.
--Take the A train to get uptown to Harlem and Washington Heights quickly. It is sometimes even faster to overshoot your stop and take the local back.
--Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the G train offers a valid route from the southern part of Brooklyn through Williamsburg. It might as well not even exist, as rare as it appears. Although it seems longer on the map, you are much better off taking a train to Union Square, and transferring to the L train.
This is wrong on so many fronts. First of all, if you are traveling during morning rush hour, every other R train will meet up with an N express at 59th Street. Transfer there and take the express all the way to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., keeping an eye out for the M local train on the opposite track, which will take you in only four stops to Broad Street, at the corner of Wall. Bada-boom, bada-bing.
If you miss the express and take the R train local all the way to the top of Brooklyn, it doesn’t make sense to switch at all—you may as well go four more stops and just walk up Water Street to Wall. It takes only five minutes. And, what Google maps won’t tell you about their “handy” 2/3 transfer is that going between these two tracks means navigating about 200 stairs. There is a hefty, steep flight up from the N/R, another steep flight down, a short traverse through the underground passage, and then a hustle up another very steep staircase. All in morning rush hour. Plus, once you are there, the 2/3 train still hits about six stops before it reaches Wall Street.
My point being, how this can possibly be considered the shortest route? This leads me to my aforementioned conclusion: Fuck Google maps.
At this point, I consider it behoovy of me to share with you some of the best shortcuts I have learned throughout the years.
--Keep moving forward! If a train comes that is going in your direction, take it. You may meet up with your train at a future stop.
--If you miss your transfer to the downtown D/B express trains at W. 4th St. and an F/V train is across the platform, hop on. You should be able to catch up with the express at Broadway/Lafayette St.
--When going to Times Square, a Q train is often a less-crowded alternative to other express trains.
--Take the A train to get uptown to Harlem and Washington Heights quickly. It is sometimes even faster to overshoot your stop and take the local back.
--Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the G train offers a valid route from the southern part of Brooklyn through Williamsburg. It might as well not even exist, as rare as it appears. Although it seems longer on the map, you are much better off taking a train to Union Square, and transferring to the L train.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
