Sometimes, there are just no seats left. This is a great time to pretend that you had wanted to stand anyway. The best place to stand in any train car is leaning against the doors. Fuck the MTA signs; if you do it right, you’re not blocking anything.
Standing in Doorways
The rules regarding doorway standing are very clear! Each doorway has room to accommodate TWO PEOPLE, no more, no less. There is a very clear line of demarcation between the doors; should you find someone who significantly overlaps into your half of the doorway, an incredulous “Just how much room do you need, man?” should be sufficient.
The rules regarding doorway standing are very clear! Each doorway has room to accommodate TWO PEOPLE, no more, no less. There is a very clear line of demarcation between the doors; should you find someone who significantly overlaps into your half of the doorway, an incredulous “Just how much room do you need, man?” should be sufficient.
The appropriate way to stand in the doors is with your back facing the door. Unless you’re crossing the bridge and have something to look out at, don’t stare into a tunnel of nothingness like some sociopath serial killer. Likewise, don’t stand sideways so that your ass is at mouth level with the person sitting on the end seat. Unless you are J-Lo, nobody wants to ride with your ass up against their face. It’s just rude.
Etiquette requires that if you want the door spot, you need to be the last person to enter the train. Don’t even try to walk one step into the car and stop because you want the spot; you are blocking other people who need to get on the train, ergo, you are a colossal asshole.
When you reach a station, move to the side so people can enter and exit the train. If there is a large crowd of people, you must step out of the car when it stops, keeping one hand on the door to let people know that you are in the door spot and are being courteous. You are fully entitled to reoccupy your previous spot if you have extended this courtesy; however, don’t expect to reassume this location if you have retreated into the car, or if you block the incoming crowd by trying to hang onto this precious commodity.
After the door spot, the best place to stand is at the very end of the car, near the access doors. Don’t lean on these doors, however; they frequently open, and you could fall to your death.
Other standing places vary, but try to avoid the following behaviors:
Do not lean against or hug the bar! If you don’t have the strength to stand upright unassisted, you should not be out in public. If you feel the urge to wrap yourself around the bar like it is your long-lost love, get over it. People need to hold onto something so they don’t fall, so don’t be an ass. Effective strategies for curbing this behavior is to grab the bar firmly with one knuckle extended, making a firm, jabbing contact with the spine of the pole-sloucher. In the case of long-haired women, snagging a chunk of their hair as you grasp onto the bar produces immediate results. Either strategy can be written off as an accident that would not have happened had the person not been sprawled out along the bar.
Dealing with pole huggers is more difficult. These pathetic safety mongers are often easily embarrassed, and it is usually sufficient to mutter something along the lines of, “I hate to break up your love affair with the pole, but…” or “You and this pole look very happy together, but…”
Sidenote: Don’t pole dance in the subway, and don’t let your kids do it, either. It is never okay. You always look like a fool, and your children look like stripper crack whores in training.
Do not lean against or hug the bar! If you don’t have the strength to stand upright unassisted, you should not be out in public. If you feel the urge to wrap yourself around the bar like it is your long-lost love, get over it. People need to hold onto something so they don’t fall, so don’t be an ass. Effective strategies for curbing this behavior is to grab the bar firmly with one knuckle extended, making a firm, jabbing contact with the spine of the pole-sloucher. In the case of long-haired women, snagging a chunk of their hair as you grasp onto the bar produces immediate results. Either strategy can be written off as an accident that would not have happened had the person not been sprawled out along the bar.
Dealing with pole huggers is more difficult. These pathetic safety mongers are often easily embarrassed, and it is usually sufficient to mutter something along the lines of, “I hate to break up your love affair with the pole, but…” or “You and this pole look very happy together, but…”
Sidenote: Don’t pole dance in the subway, and don’t let your kids do it, either. It is never okay. You always look like a fool, and your children look like stripper crack whores in training.
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