Entering and Exiting Train Cars

So, your train has finally arrived. Nothing left to do but get in, right? Oh, you could not be more mistaken. Entering subway train cars is an art form. With some quick reflexes and practice, you can become proficient. Before the train even stops, gauge whether it is crowded, and scan the closest car for any empty seats you can claim. When the train comes to a stop, flank either side of the door, but do not stand directly in front of it. Allow passengers who clearly desire to leave to exit before you enter the train. (Straggling exiters are to be left to battle the masses.)

When you walk into the train car, walk all the way in, at least four steps. There are almost always going to be other people behind you who also want to enter the train, and your reluctant mincing is getting you all nowhere, fast. As you enter, look for a seat, and sit down. If someone else is clearly angling to take the same seat, the winner takes it all, unless that person is elderly or pregnant, in which case it is polite to offer that seat up.

Be very wary of riders who are only partially seated before the subway takes off. These are almost always tourists or slow, fat people, and they will tumble into you, hitting you in the face with their oversized backpack or ass. Even though they are retarded douche bags who don’t even know enough to hold onto something on a moving train and deserve to fall, be prepared to catch them.

Even if the train is not very crowded, take off your backpacks or large bags and put them on the floor between your legs, whether you are sitting or standing. Nobody wants to be hit by your fucking luggage. One seasoned rider likes to loudly repeat the word “backpack” until the offender complies. Polite requests may also work.

Sidenote: It is my firm belief that no one but hikers and schoolchildren should be wearing backpacks, so if you are a grown person and not on the way to a camping trip, get a briefcase or messenger bag like your other adult friends. Try and revive the attaché case, bitch. Something.

Holding the Doors
Sometimes, it is acceptable to hold the doors for other passengers attempting to make the train. If the person yells, “Hold the train!” and is within six feet of the train, hold the door by putting a hand or foot against the rubber between the doors. Avoid touching it with your clothing or torso, as it can leave unsightly black stains. (Remember this when attempting to push open the doors while wearing your best white suit. I have personally seen this disaster unfold.)

If, however, the person is not even through the turnstile, or wants you to hold the doors for a large group of friends, let that ship sail. You are in no way beholden to extend the courtesy of door holding for slackers and party people, and in the case of morning rush hour, doing so could result in grievous injury imparted upon your person by fellow passengers late to work. It is simply not worth it.

Another circumstance in which it is acceptable to hold the door is in the case of an elderly or infirm passenger attempting to exit when the conductor is in a quick-shut mode, meaning only the most minimal amount of time transpires between the opening and closing of subway doors. Those with strollers, gaggles of children, or bulky items should also be assisted, again, not because you are kind to children and old folks, but because it benefits everyone to keep the train moving.