Negotiating a Staircase

The rule of thumb when entering or leaving a New York City subway station is to assume that the person behind you is late to the most important event of their life. Keeping that in mind, please ascend and descend the stairs in the safest, fastest way possible, with those going up on the right, those going down on the left. Urge slow movers to increase their pace by hurling at them invectives such as “What the fuck, are you sleepwalking?” or, “Is this your first day with your new feet? Move it!” Exceptions to this are in effect only in the case of very old or very fat people. Sidestep them silently and patiently, because you too will one day be old and fat.

Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to meander slowly down the stairs when someone is behind you. Gravity is taking care of half the work for you. If you feel you need to walk slowly up the stairs due to some medical reason or general laziness, do not rush to be the first one on the staircase. Fall back, with the other fatties and ennui-ridden losers.

Offer to assist ladies with strollers or granny carts, not because you are particularly concerned about their bad backs or lifting prowess, but because it serves the greater good to keep people moving.

Blocking the subway stairs while finishing a cigarette or a cell-phone conversation is a grievous offense. The ideal response is a sucker punch to the nuts; appropriate, less confrontational responses include “accidentally” bumping into the standee while you are descending, or the more milquetoast delivery of the semi-polite statement, “Excuse me, but you’re blocking the way.” Sitting on the steps is a lesser offense most often perpetrated by schoolchildren. An “accidental” kick to the offender is usually sufficient to express one’s point.

The Escalators

In most places around the world, it is acceptable to stand on an escalator with a friend, arms akimbo, and let the world pass you by as you slowly ascend to higher terra firma. New York is not one of these places. In this city, escalators are viewed as stairs that do part of the walking for you. Not walking up the escalator is considered by most New Yorkers to be a poor investment of time. After all, every step you take on your upward ascent is equal to three regular steps. And, with the exception of single-rider width escalators that shoot you up several stories in less than a minute (see Smith and 9th Street, G line), you are expected to continue lifting one foot after the other as you simultaneously ride up the escalator. As is the general rule in New York, if you must stand still, stay in a single file to the right. If you’re walking up the stairs, stay on the left, and if you can’t keep the pace, move back into the slow lane. Impeding one’s method of egress is akin to a temporal cock-block, and should be avoided. In fact, as I approach you from the rear, it occurs to me that perhaps you should consider taking the regular, old-fashioned stairs once in a while.