Reading and Conversating on the Train

New Yorkers as a whole read more than the general population. I have no data whatsoever upon which to base this blanket assumption, except for the fact that every day on the train, eight of every 10 people you see are reading, and half of those people are reading actual books. Reading is fundamental, and reading on the train is a great way to pass the time and get your daily fix of news or escapism. There are just a few things to remember, the foremost being that people will judge you based on what you read in the subway.

First, please know that porn is never appropriate subway literature. And no, not even the kind with mostly words. We can see what you are reading, and so can the sweet baby Jesus.

Book readers equal smarty-pants—unless they are reading Thomas Creighton thrillers or Danielle Steele romances. Or anything from the Babysitter’s Club series.

Also know that if you are reading the New York Post, you are instantaneously self-identifying as a sensationalist, Page Six-loving goombah. As my mentor often opined, “No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in the Post.” The Daily News is fine, as is the free AM New York handed out on the way to the train. If your paper is pink, you are identifying yourself as either a Wall Street finance junkie or a crazy conservative Christian freak. Erudite types read The New York Times or the Wall Street Journal, and older guys know how to fold it in a complicated, origami-like way to read one fourth of the page at a time, thus avoiding hitting people with their large paper. You have my admiration and respect, older origami-folder dudes. See here for a how-to guide, courtesy of WikiHow.

The MTA folks want you to throw away your paper when you’re done, and that’s fine if you want to, but if it’s a quality magazine, it’s also okay to leave it for future readers. When the train reaches the end of the line they clean it anyway, and some nice lady along the way might really like to know what’s going on in this month’s Cat Fancy.

The city offers plenty of free magazines and newspapers to read in boxes on the street, but if you fail to pick one up, you can always read and re-read the ads on the subway. Just remember to pretend to look fascinated by the improved quality of life rendered to all who undergo Dr. Zizmor’s renowned citric-acid face peels.

Conversations, or "I Don’t Need to Know Your Life, Bitch!"

When it comes right down to it, New York City is basically a small town. Live here long enough and you begin to recognize familiar faces on the trains and in the streets. Sometimes you will even run into friends or business associates as you commute. It is considered friendly to acknowledge their presence and engage in polite conversation, but please know that there are limits to what appropriate subway conversations are.

If you are disrupting the potential reading, thinking, and resting time of your fellow riders, your conversation either needs to be 1. boring and mercifully short, or 2. drawn-out, but full of fascinating gossip general enough for anyone in earshot to enjoy.

Hence, discussing the menu at your sister’s cousin’s friend’s wedding in Staten Island is off, but backbiting about how you caught your sister’s cousin’s friend’s groom-to-be giving head to his best man in the church vestibule five minutes before the wedding receives the subway conversation seal of approval.

Also, try to watch your language around kids. They grow up fast enough in this city as it is.