Subway Jack-Offs

Men like to take their dick out on subway trains. There is the professional-looking evening commuter who gently places his unit on his thigh, as if he is airing it out after a long day of work. Then there is the drunk late-night tosser, leering at female commuters through glazed eyes as he rubs one out. Neither is okay.

Unlike drinking excessively and having to whip your dick out to pee on the train, there is no situation I can envision in which someone has to masturbate on the subway. If you have a home, you should wait until you get there to get your stroke on. Like my sister tells her pre-teen son: “It’s not bad, but you need to do it in your room.”

If you are homeless, pulling out your peen is not going to help your situation, what with the chips already stacked against you because of your body odor, your colorful collection of assorted shopping bags, and your real or assumed mental illness, drug, and alcohol addictions. On the bright side, most people will already be steering a wide path around you.

Oddly enough, homeless people don’t comprise the majority of subway strokers, in my experience. The majority of public masturbators I have witnessed look like “normal” guys—a fact that only adds to the sense of violation felt when encountering one. And exposing oneself on the subway can start a fad. Once one guy makes whipping his wang out the norm, others jump on the bandwagon.

I once entered a subway car late at night to discover that three guys were jerking off. The most disconcerting part about this was not the plethora of public self-pleasuring, it was that all three guys were sitting in different parts of the train, gazing not at each other nor at me, but soullessly out the window. I was less disgusted than disturbed; it was the loneliest, saddest thing I have ever seen. I switched cars quickly.

Subway Hook-ups

Due to the general unsanitary nature of the subway train, I highly recommend that any partner sex be relegated to some other venue. However, given some people’s penchant for exhibitionism and/or public sex, it warrants remarking that sometimes, people have sex on the train. If you must do it, find a late-night subway car, empty save you and your partner, and try and finish whatever you’re doing by the time the subway reaches the next station. (The express train over the Manhattan Bridge is the longest uninterrupted stretch.) I just can’t think of anything more awkward than stumbling drunk onto an otherwise empty subway car to discover that your fellow riders are engaged in a late-night game of hide the salami.

The same advice applies to the gays, although I do remember hearing that the Fulton Street station was the best place for gay men on the DL to hook up. I don’t think lesbians hook up in hidden subway station niches, but I have been surprised by women before. You guys let me know if you hear anything to that end.