Never Go With a Hippie to a Second Location!

In the words of 30 Rock’s Jack Donaghy, “Never go with a hippie to a second location.” A waiter friend heading home after a long night at work entered the subway to discover that his train had just left the station, meaning there would not be another train for about 20 minutes. So when another young man invited him to come back outside and smoke a joint, he agreed.

Upon exiting the train station, the man pulled a knife, robbed my friend, and—perhaps the greatest injustice of all—there was no joint to be smoked. And forget about calling the cops; how the hell can you ever explain randomly leaving a train station at 3 a.m. with a stranger?

Sidenote: If you are going to smoke on the subway, try to do it on an elevated outdoor platform, at the end of the platform, or while standing between subway cars, if you are on your train. If you must smoke marijuana in New York’s mass transit system, sit or stand next to an African-American man. The cops always accuse them of everything anyway. But be forewarned; the NYPD may sodomize you with a walkie-talkie if they catch your ass.

The Gold Bracelet Con

Of the many schemes I have seen go down while riding the subway, perhaps the most effective con is the gold bracelet bait and switch. A fairly well-dressed guy enters the train, clandestinely drops a gold bracelet to the floor, and then makes a show of picking it up, examining it, and determining that it is real gold. Pointing to his own plethora of fancy gold jewelry, he announces that he obviously doesn’t need the newfound item, but will happily part with it for a mere $20.

Wherein his heretofore unnoticed accomplice makes a much lower bid, prompting the mark to make his own, slightly higher bid. The fake gold bracelet sells for about $15, the pigeon thinks he’s gotten a great deal, and upon discovering it is fake, doesn’t think to hold the mistake against the guy who innocently found it lying on the subway floor.

Ignore these shysters, and back away quickly, keeping your hand on your wallet. You are not obligated to warn your fellow passengers, especially since these scam artists travel in pairs, and are likely to cause you grievous personal injury for blowing up their spot.