Eye Contact, and Flirting on the Train

Given the wealth of crazy nutbags in New York City, if you flirt while commuting, you risk the chance that the object of your affections is a crazed stalker who will follow you home, gain your confidence, and once inside, hack you to small pieces to be deposited at various rest areas throughout the greater New Jersey area.

That said, we’re all guilty of looking for love in the wrong places. Getting to work on time is a little easier when you know that if you make the early train, you can spend the next hour trading clandestine glances with the leggy blond who sits in the last car. Just be sure you follow a few simple rules.

First, know that there is a very thin line between the intense longing look of a lonely heart pining to find its perfect mate, and the piercing gaze of a serial killer. If you find yourself staring, look away. Most people, if interested, will look away to give you a chance to study them. If you look away and see them checking you out as well, you are on the right track. Use the reflection in the adjacent window to keep an eye on cuties without appearing to stare.

Also, remember that you can’t really tell how tall someone is when they are sitting down. I once made a dinner date with a woman I met while I was sunbathing on the beach. She looked adorable as she towered over my blanket. When I finally rose to accompany her to dinner, I discovered to my chagrin that she was only about four feet tall. It’s all about perspective.

Similarly, you also can’t really tell how married, foreign, intelligent, or straight someone is just by looking. Use context clues wherever possible to glean some insight into your perspective subway connections’ background, but don’t be surprised if your all-American girl next door type ends up being a bottle-blond refugee from Ukraine who drives an old Cadillac convertible with one primer gray door around Brighton Beach, wearing a black bra and fur coat and downing vodka Jell-O shooters. Which may be better or worse, depending on your personal tastes.

Where you decide to go with your flirting depends largely on your personal style, but just remember that when you hit on someone on the subway, upwards of 60 people are there to bear witness on your failure or success. On the up side, you can always just move into the next car and pretend it never happened.

If someone is staring at you, the reverse stare-down will usually embarrass them into averting their eyes. Should you care for a more vocal expression of your feelings, here are some effective retorts:

─the classic, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”
─the snotty, “What the hell are you looking at?”
─the cinematic, “Expecto patronum, Starey Potter.”
─the musical, “Are you trying to cop-a-cabana, Starey Manilow?”