Subway Fights--When to Get Involved

Generally, the subway will get you safely—if not quickly—from one location to another. Sometimes, however, tempers will rise among passengers, and a fight will erupt on the subway train. If you see a fight, alert the MTA or police. If a gang of hoods is roaming the trains, get the hell out of the subway, and fast. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes gangs jump innocent people.

In attack in which a stronger perpetrator targets a weaker victim and you are in a position to stop said perpetrator, you are pretty much obligated to help grandma get her purse back from the mugger. So I hope you know how to defend yourself.

But as is often the case with crime, public fights will most often happen between people who already know each other. The general rule is not to get involved in private disputes—just make sure you don’t catch a stray haymaker to the jaw if the shit goes down.

The exception to this rule is in the case of a man fighting with a woman. Even if it is clear that the two people in question have a preexisting relationship, if a man physically threatens or lays his hands on a woman, you are obligated to intervene. One would expect that an able-bodied man would rise to aid a damsel in distress, but times being what they are, this does not always happen. The job then goes to the passenger with the most moxy. Using a polite tone of voice with just a mote of threat underlying it, say, “Excuse me, sir, but you need to take your hands off this lady or I will be forced to call the cops.” Be prepared to duck, in case he swings, and rest assured that you will be yelled at. Hopefully, it will only be by the man; having a woman berate you for trying to keep her from being smacked around is a total drag.

To reiterate: If the couple is yelling, let them yell. But when the man puts his hands on the woman, cautiously approach them and advise him that it is in his best interest to stop what he is doing immediately. Stick to your guns—and hope he left his at home.

Baby-Smackers

Every once in a while, you will encounter a momma on the train who likes to smack up her baby in public. This is totally not cool. But it is hard to know when to say something and when to keep your trap shut. Most of the time, you will witness a mother scolding an unruly child in a way that maybe you would not. I personally have been ashamed by things I have heard parents say and do to their children in public. I mean, this is supposed to be your precious jewel, right? Still, every parent has the right to discipline their child as they see fit (cue Natalie Merchant baby-beating song), so unless they are raising their hand to their child in a truly heinous way, the best you can do by way of reproving them is cutting your eyes at them, shaking your head unapprovingly, or otherwise letting them know that their behavior is not appropriate. If you see a parent delivering a public ass-whupping to a child younger than five, I consider it appropriate to say something along the lines of, “Take it easy on that baby.” That said, NEVER say something like that to an African-American momma. Past experience has taught me that they do not take kindly at all to other people telling them how to raise their child. No, not kindly at all.