Many people may point to Google maps as if advice like mine were now no longer warranted. No, I resolutely reply, How to Ride is not about station stops and shortcuts, but about etiquette and insider-rider savvy. To be fair, I accessed Google maps to see what kinds of advice they would offer regarding my morning commute. The results were laughable, I daresay even ludicrous: to travel from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to Wall Street, they suggested taking the R to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., and transferring to the 2/3 to Wall Street.
This is wrong on so many fronts. First of all, if you are traveling during morning rush hour, every other R train will meet up with an N express at 59th Street. Transfer there and take the express all the way to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., keeping an eye out for the M local train on the opposite track, which will take you in only four stops to Broad Street, at the corner of Wall. Bada-boom, bada-bing.
If you miss the express and take the R train local all the way to the top of Brooklyn, it doesn’t make sense to switch at all—you may as well go four more stops and just walk up Water Street to Wall. It takes only five minutes. And, what Google maps won’t tell you about their “handy” 2/3 transfer is that going between these two tracks means navigating about 200 stairs. There is a hefty, steep flight up from the N/R, another steep flight down, a short traverse through the underground passage, and then a hustle up another very steep staircase. All in morning rush hour. Plus, once you are there, the 2/3 train still hits about six stops before it reaches Wall Street.
My point being, how this can possibly be considered the shortest route? This leads me to my aforementioned conclusion: Fuck Google maps.
At this point, I consider it behoovy of me to share with you some of the best shortcuts I have learned throughout the years.
--Keep moving forward! If a train comes that is going in your direction, take it. You may meet up with your train at a future stop.
--If you miss your transfer to the downtown D/B express trains at W. 4th St. and an F/V train is across the platform, hop on. You should be able to catch up with the express at Broadway/Lafayette St.
--When going to Times Square, a Q train is often a less-crowded alternative to other express trains.
--Take the A train to get uptown to Harlem and Washington Heights quickly. It is sometimes even faster to overshoot your stop and take the local back.
--Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the G train offers a valid route from the southern part of Brooklyn through Williamsburg. It might as well not even exist, as rare as it appears. Although it seems longer on the map, you are much better off taking a train to Union Square, and transferring to the L train.
Showing posts with label subway. Show all posts
Showing posts with label subway. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Junk Trains and Money Trains
Some nights, you’ll wait a good long time for those headlights on the track, but when the train finally hits the station, the windows are blackened, and it doesn’t even slow down, or else it’s a ramshackle wooden contraption filled with tools and bins. What are these not-regular trains? They are the trash train and the money train.
The ramshackle trains pulling the rusty yellow wooden flatbeds full of green bins is the trash train. Late at night when most people are already asleep, subway workers move from station to station, removing the trash bins from the closets at the end of some subway stations and replacing them with empty green bins pulled from off the cattle car. This is truly a fascinating thing to watch, especially because you can get real close to the train and peek around inside at all the assorted detritus of city living.
The money train is another matter altogether. Officially, this train was retired in 2006; the advent of Metrocards made its late night runs as obsolete as the Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson movie of the same name. The money train was the yellow and black striped train with the blacked-out windows that transported the daily MTA take to the King Midas money counting chamber. It was heavily guarded, so riders wouldn’t get any ideas about hijacking it… this wasn’t The Taking of Pelham One Two Three here….although I did hear they are releasing a remake of this classic in June ’09, starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington, and John Turturro.
My karate sensei, who works for the MTA, told a story of being a young man in Brooklyn and running to catch the train. He leapt over the staircase railing and into the train just as the doors closed, only to find a cadre of police officers with their firearms trained on him. Having jumped unawares into the money train, he threw his arms up in surrender, saying, “I’m just a kid!” Eventually they let him go.
If you’re interested in how the money train works, the MTA Transit Museum offers a “Show Me The Money” exhibit for kids 4 and older at the end of May, in which participants can help collect fares on a route through the museum. Click here for more info.
The ramshackle trains pulling the rusty yellow wooden flatbeds full of green bins is the trash train. Late at night when most people are already asleep, subway workers move from station to station, removing the trash bins from the closets at the end of some subway stations and replacing them with empty green bins pulled from off the cattle car. This is truly a fascinating thing to watch, especially because you can get real close to the train and peek around inside at all the assorted detritus of city living.
The money train is another matter altogether. Officially, this train was retired in 2006; the advent of Metrocards made its late night runs as obsolete as the Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson movie of the same name. The money train was the yellow and black striped train with the blacked-out windows that transported the daily MTA take to the King Midas money counting chamber. It was heavily guarded, so riders wouldn’t get any ideas about hijacking it… this wasn’t The Taking of Pelham One Two Three here….although I did hear they are releasing a remake of this classic in June ’09, starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington, and John Turturro.
My karate sensei, who works for the MTA, told a story of being a young man in Brooklyn and running to catch the train. He leapt over the staircase railing and into the train just as the doors closed, only to find a cadre of police officers with their firearms trained on him. Having jumped unawares into the money train, he threw his arms up in surrender, saying, “I’m just a kid!” Eventually they let him go.
If you’re interested in how the money train works, the MTA Transit Museum offers a “Show Me The Money” exhibit for kids 4 and older at the end of May, in which participants can help collect fares on a route through the museum. Click here for more info.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Eye Contact, and Flirting on the Train
Given the wealth of crazy nutbags in New York City, if you flirt while commuting, you risk the chance that the object of your affections is a crazed stalker who will follow you home, gain your confidence, and once inside, hack you to small pieces to be deposited at various rest areas throughout the greater New Jersey area.
That said, we’re all guilty of looking for love in the wrong places. Getting to work on time is a little easier when you know that if you make the early train, you can spend the next hour trading clandestine glances with the leggy blond who sits in the last car. Just be sure you follow a few simple rules.
First, know that there is a very thin line between the intense longing look of a lonely heart pining to find its perfect mate, and the piercing gaze of a serial killer. If you find yourself staring, look away. Most people, if interested, will look away to give you a chance to study them. If you look away and see them checking you out as well, you are on the right track. Use the reflection in the adjacent window to keep an eye on cuties without appearing to stare.
Also, remember that you can’t really tell how tall someone is when they are sitting down. I once made a dinner date with a woman I met while I was sunbathing on the beach. She looked adorable as she towered over my blanket. When I finally rose to accompany her to dinner, I discovered to my chagrin that she was only about four feet tall. It’s all about perspective.
Similarly, you also can’t really tell how married, foreign, intelligent, or straight someone is just by looking. Use context clues wherever possible to glean some insight into your perspective subway connections’ background, but don’t be surprised if your all-American girl next door type ends up being a bottle-blond refugee from Ukraine who drives an old Cadillac convertible with one primer gray door around Brighton Beach, wearing a black bra and fur coat and downing vodka Jell-O shooters. Which may be better or worse, depending on your personal tastes.
Where you decide to go with your flirting depends largely on your personal style, but just remember that when you hit on someone on the subway, upwards of 60 people are there to bear witness on your failure or success. On the up side, you can always just move into the next car and pretend it never happened.
If someone is staring at you, the reverse stare-down will usually embarrass them into averting their eyes. Should you care for a more vocal expression of your feelings, here are some effective retorts:
─the classic, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”
─the snotty, “What the hell are you looking at?”
─the cinematic, “Expecto patronum, Starey Potter.”
─the musical, “Are you trying to cop-a-cabana, Starey Manilow?”
That said, we’re all guilty of looking for love in the wrong places. Getting to work on time is a little easier when you know that if you make the early train, you can spend the next hour trading clandestine glances with the leggy blond who sits in the last car. Just be sure you follow a few simple rules.
First, know that there is a very thin line between the intense longing look of a lonely heart pining to find its perfect mate, and the piercing gaze of a serial killer. If you find yourself staring, look away. Most people, if interested, will look away to give you a chance to study them. If you look away and see them checking you out as well, you are on the right track. Use the reflection in the adjacent window to keep an eye on cuties without appearing to stare.
Also, remember that you can’t really tell how tall someone is when they are sitting down. I once made a dinner date with a woman I met while I was sunbathing on the beach. She looked adorable as she towered over my blanket. When I finally rose to accompany her to dinner, I discovered to my chagrin that she was only about four feet tall. It’s all about perspective.
Similarly, you also can’t really tell how married, foreign, intelligent, or straight someone is just by looking. Use context clues wherever possible to glean some insight into your perspective subway connections’ background, but don’t be surprised if your all-American girl next door type ends up being a bottle-blond refugee from Ukraine who drives an old Cadillac convertible with one primer gray door around Brighton Beach, wearing a black bra and fur coat and downing vodka Jell-O shooters. Which may be better or worse, depending on your personal tastes.
Where you decide to go with your flirting depends largely on your personal style, but just remember that when you hit on someone on the subway, upwards of 60 people are there to bear witness on your failure or success. On the up side, you can always just move into the next car and pretend it never happened.
If someone is staring at you, the reverse stare-down will usually embarrass them into averting their eyes. Should you care for a more vocal expression of your feelings, here are some effective retorts:
─the classic, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”
─the snotty, “What the hell are you looking at?”
─the cinematic, “Expecto patronum, Starey Potter.”
─the musical, “Are you trying to cop-a-cabana, Starey Manilow?”
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Reading and Conversating on the Train
New Yorkers as a whole read more than the general population. I have no data whatsoever upon which to base this blanket assumption, except for the fact that every day on the train, eight of every 10 people you see are reading, and half of those people are reading actual books. Reading is fundamental, and reading on the train is a great way to pass the time and get your daily fix of news or escapism. There are just a few things to remember, the foremost being that people will judge you based on what you read in the subway.
First, please know that porn is never appropriate subway literature. And no, not even the kind with mostly words. We can see what you are reading, and so can the sweet baby Jesus.
Book readers equal smarty-pants—unless they are reading Thomas Creighton thrillers or Danielle Steele romances. Or anything from the Babysitter’s Club series.
Also know that if you are reading the New York Post, you are instantaneously self-identifying as a sensationalist, Page Six-loving goombah. As my mentor often opined, “No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in the Post.” The Daily News is fine, as is the free AM New York handed out on the way to the train. If your paper is pink, you are identifying yourself as either a Wall Street finance junkie or a crazy conservative Christian freak. Erudite types read The New York Times or the Wall Street Journal, and older guys know how to fold it in a complicated, origami-like way to read one fourth of the page at a time, thus avoiding hitting people with their large paper. You have my admiration and respect, older origami-folder dudes. See here for a how-to guide, courtesy of WikiHow.
The MTA folks want you to throw away your paper when you’re done, and that’s fine if you want to, but if it’s a quality magazine, it’s also okay to leave it for future readers. When the train reaches the end of the line they clean it anyway, and some nice lady along the way might really like to know what’s going on in this month’s Cat Fancy.
The city offers plenty of free magazines and newspapers to read in boxes on the street, but if you fail to pick one up, you can always read and re-read the ads on the subway. Just remember to pretend to look fascinated by the improved quality of life rendered to all who undergo Dr. Zizmor’s renowned citric-acid face peels.
Conversations, or "I Don’t Need to Know Your Life, Bitch!"
When it comes right down to it, New York City is basically a small town. Live here long enough and you begin to recognize familiar faces on the trains and in the streets. Sometimes you will even run into friends or business associates as you commute. It is considered friendly to acknowledge their presence and engage in polite conversation, but please know that there are limits to what appropriate subway conversations are.
If you are disrupting the potential reading, thinking, and resting time of your fellow riders, your conversation either needs to be 1. boring and mercifully short, or 2. drawn-out, but full of fascinating gossip general enough for anyone in earshot to enjoy.
Hence, discussing the menu at your sister’s cousin’s friend’s wedding in Staten Island is off, but backbiting about how you caught your sister’s cousin’s friend’s groom-to-be giving head to his best man in the church vestibule five minutes before the wedding receives the subway conversation seal of approval.
Also, try to watch your language around kids. They grow up fast enough in this city as it is.
First, please know that porn is never appropriate subway literature. And no, not even the kind with mostly words. We can see what you are reading, and so can the sweet baby Jesus.
Book readers equal smarty-pants—unless they are reading Thomas Creighton thrillers or Danielle Steele romances. Or anything from the Babysitter’s Club series.
Also know that if you are reading the New York Post, you are instantaneously self-identifying as a sensationalist, Page Six-loving goombah. As my mentor often opined, “No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in the Post.” The Daily News is fine, as is the free AM New York handed out on the way to the train. If your paper is pink, you are identifying yourself as either a Wall Street finance junkie or a crazy conservative Christian freak. Erudite types read The New York Times or the Wall Street Journal, and older guys know how to fold it in a complicated, origami-like way to read one fourth of the page at a time, thus avoiding hitting people with their large paper. You have my admiration and respect, older origami-folder dudes. See here for a how-to guide, courtesy of WikiHow.
The MTA folks want you to throw away your paper when you’re done, and that’s fine if you want to, but if it’s a quality magazine, it’s also okay to leave it for future readers. When the train reaches the end of the line they clean it anyway, and some nice lady along the way might really like to know what’s going on in this month’s Cat Fancy.
The city offers plenty of free magazines and newspapers to read in boxes on the street, but if you fail to pick one up, you can always read and re-read the ads on the subway. Just remember to pretend to look fascinated by the improved quality of life rendered to all who undergo Dr. Zizmor’s renowned citric-acid face peels.
Conversations, or "I Don’t Need to Know Your Life, Bitch!"
When it comes right down to it, New York City is basically a small town. Live here long enough and you begin to recognize familiar faces on the trains and in the streets. Sometimes you will even run into friends or business associates as you commute. It is considered friendly to acknowledge their presence and engage in polite conversation, but please know that there are limits to what appropriate subway conversations are.
If you are disrupting the potential reading, thinking, and resting time of your fellow riders, your conversation either needs to be 1. boring and mercifully short, or 2. drawn-out, but full of fascinating gossip general enough for anyone in earshot to enjoy.
Hence, discussing the menu at your sister’s cousin’s friend’s wedding in Staten Island is off, but backbiting about how you caught your sister’s cousin’s friend’s groom-to-be giving head to his best man in the church vestibule five minutes before the wedding receives the subway conversation seal of approval.
Also, try to watch your language around kids. They grow up fast enough in this city as it is.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
How to Ride in Rush Hour
Often, especially during morning and evening rush hour, the train is simply so crowded that you have no choice but to touch your fellow passengers. This too comes with its own unspoken etiquette, complicated and full of nuances that can take years to learn. For the uninitiated, there is a simple rule to be followed: If you must touch people, touch them in a way that indicates that you are receiving absolutely no pleasure whatsoever from the experience.
Put your bags on the floor, but hold your arms, hands, and elbows at shoulder height to create a “cage” of personal space around you. Arrange your body so that it touches the side of some other person, as opposed to the front or back. If you must stack, go butt to butt. For the sake of all that is good and holy, do not spoon against someone on the subway train. Unless you are romantically involved, there is never a situation in which it is appropriate to fully press your body into that of another person, crowded train be damned. You are commuting here, not romancing the stone.
Sometimes the Train is Full, Bitch!
This dovetails very nicely with the previous section. Sometimes, when all the seats are full and all the people on the train are as smashed into each other as possible, it could be that the train has reached its capacity. Clues that might indicate this situation include completely full subway cars, and angry passengers keeping the doors from closing completely.
Should you witness something like this, do not try to attempt to board. Sometimes the train is full, bitch! No more people can safely fit in, but there are always those diehards and foreign visitors who insist upon cramming their bodies into the train, armpits flailing into the air, toes stepped upon, misery palpable.
No one likes to be inconvenienced by waiting for the next train, but in most cases, if the train is this crowded, it is because it is running late, and the next train, directly behind it, will be blissfully empty. Wait for it. The constant exceptions to this rule are the 2/3 train at rush hour, and the Manhattan-bound L train, as it reaches Bedford Avenue. These trains are always busy. Sometimes you have to let one or two trains pass before you can get in, even if you’re only traveling three stops to Union Square.
Hey, This Car’s Empty!
Imagine it’s a hot day, summer in the city, and after sweating out the wait on a crowded subway station, a train pulls into the station with one car blissfully empty. DO NOT ENTER THIS CAR! It is empty for a reason, and trust me, you do not want to discover the reason.
Fight instinct and logic and follow the crowd into already-occupied cars. This seemingly perfect empty car is either 150 degrees with windows that don’t open, or inhabited by a smell too heinous and hard-core for even New Yorkers to handle, a crazy homeless person exuding said smell, or a wayward rat that has scurried in at a previous stop.
Put your bags on the floor, but hold your arms, hands, and elbows at shoulder height to create a “cage” of personal space around you. Arrange your body so that it touches the side of some other person, as opposed to the front or back. If you must stack, go butt to butt. For the sake of all that is good and holy, do not spoon against someone on the subway train. Unless you are romantically involved, there is never a situation in which it is appropriate to fully press your body into that of another person, crowded train be damned. You are commuting here, not romancing the stone.
Sometimes the Train is Full, Bitch!
This dovetails very nicely with the previous section. Sometimes, when all the seats are full and all the people on the train are as smashed into each other as possible, it could be that the train has reached its capacity. Clues that might indicate this situation include completely full subway cars, and angry passengers keeping the doors from closing completely.
Should you witness something like this, do not try to attempt to board. Sometimes the train is full, bitch! No more people can safely fit in, but there are always those diehards and foreign visitors who insist upon cramming their bodies into the train, armpits flailing into the air, toes stepped upon, misery palpable.
No one likes to be inconvenienced by waiting for the next train, but in most cases, if the train is this crowded, it is because it is running late, and the next train, directly behind it, will be blissfully empty. Wait for it. The constant exceptions to this rule are the 2/3 train at rush hour, and the Manhattan-bound L train, as it reaches Bedford Avenue. These trains are always busy. Sometimes you have to let one or two trains pass before you can get in, even if you’re only traveling three stops to Union Square.
Hey, This Car’s Empty!
Imagine it’s a hot day, summer in the city, and after sweating out the wait on a crowded subway station, a train pulls into the station with one car blissfully empty. DO NOT ENTER THIS CAR! It is empty for a reason, and trust me, you do not want to discover the reason.
Fight instinct and logic and follow the crowd into already-occupied cars. This seemingly perfect empty car is either 150 degrees with windows that don’t open, or inhabited by a smell too heinous and hard-core for even New Yorkers to handle, a crazy homeless person exuding said smell, or a wayward rat that has scurried in at a previous stop.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Appropriate Space Between People
Maintaining the appropriate amount of space between riders on a subway train is a constant battle. The rule of thumb is to always place the maximum amount of space available between yourself and the next closest rider. Similar to elevator etiquette, there is a prescribed spot intended for each subsequent rider. Deviating from this etiquette may cause fellow riders to give you the fisheye, silently hate you, or openly accuse you of being a pervert.
When sitting: Refer to the tips above to determine which seats are best. However, be ready to adjust your sitting pattern as the train dynamics change. For example, if you start your trip on a crowded train, it is acceptable to sit cheek-by-jowl with fellow riders. But when other passengers leave, opening up prime seats, it is considered odd to remain so close to a stranger. Move away, and give a bitch some breathing room!
Slide over to the end seat, or move to an empty two-seater bench and put your feet up (just move them when more riders or cops come through.) There is no rule that says you have to stay in the first seat you chose, i.e. “When the no smoking sign is off, feel free to move about the cabin.”
Conversely, if the train is empty when you board, it is considered highly odd (serial killer-ish, frankly) to sit directly next to the only other occupant. We all spend enough time crammed up against other people; enjoy the space when it’s available.
One notable exception: After months of scoping out a subway hottie, she enters an empty train, and sits directly next to me. Realizing the obvious oddity of the situation, I start a conversation, in which she discovers I am a magazine writer, and I learn that she is a hosiery designer. She offers me her number, and asks me to call if I find myself in need of socks or tights for photo fashion shoots. As she exits the train, I quip, “I’ll be sure to call you; I’m always looking for some good hose.” See subway flirting for more on this subject.
When standing: As mentioned before, hold onto something. If you choose one of the vertical bars in the middle, hold onto it with one hand, making sure not to rub against all the other hands holding on. Stand at arms’ length of the pole, and arrange your body sideways, so that it is in the most distant, disaffected position as relates to fellow bar-holders.
Advanced subway riders can sometimes “sub-surf,” negotiating turns, stops, and starts hands-free. This technique requires a moderately wide stance (not Senator Larry Craig wide), advanced levels of balance and dexterity, and the mental wherewithal to anticipate and quickly adapt to changes.
Should you choose to stand in front of door-standers, don’t stand with your back to them, like you’re stacked inside of a goddamned can of Pringles. Face them, and give them a reasonable comfort zone of space (at least two feet), with your body slightly turned at an angle so as not to imply a face-down, and hold onto the side bar.
When sitting: Refer to the tips above to determine which seats are best. However, be ready to adjust your sitting pattern as the train dynamics change. For example, if you start your trip on a crowded train, it is acceptable to sit cheek-by-jowl with fellow riders. But when other passengers leave, opening up prime seats, it is considered odd to remain so close to a stranger. Move away, and give a bitch some breathing room!
Slide over to the end seat, or move to an empty two-seater bench and put your feet up (just move them when more riders or cops come through.) There is no rule that says you have to stay in the first seat you chose, i.e. “When the no smoking sign is off, feel free to move about the cabin.”
Conversely, if the train is empty when you board, it is considered highly odd (serial killer-ish, frankly) to sit directly next to the only other occupant. We all spend enough time crammed up against other people; enjoy the space when it’s available.
One notable exception: After months of scoping out a subway hottie, she enters an empty train, and sits directly next to me. Realizing the obvious oddity of the situation, I start a conversation, in which she discovers I am a magazine writer, and I learn that she is a hosiery designer. She offers me her number, and asks me to call if I find myself in need of socks or tights for photo fashion shoots. As she exits the train, I quip, “I’ll be sure to call you; I’m always looking for some good hose.” See subway flirting for more on this subject.
When standing: As mentioned before, hold onto something. If you choose one of the vertical bars in the middle, hold onto it with one hand, making sure not to rub against all the other hands holding on. Stand at arms’ length of the pole, and arrange your body sideways, so that it is in the most distant, disaffected position as relates to fellow bar-holders.
Advanced subway riders can sometimes “sub-surf,” negotiating turns, stops, and starts hands-free. This technique requires a moderately wide stance (not Senator Larry Craig wide), advanced levels of balance and dexterity, and the mental wherewithal to anticipate and quickly adapt to changes.
Should you choose to stand in front of door-standers, don’t stand with your back to them, like you’re stacked inside of a goddamned can of Pringles. Face them, and give them a reasonable comfort zone of space (at least two feet), with your body slightly turned at an angle so as not to imply a face-down, and hold onto the side bar.
Should you need to hover over the person in the map seat to find directions, please be sure to move away once you have accomplished your goal. Hanging over the map seat air-humping your way to your chosen stop is creepy, and it prevents other lost individuals from accessing information about upcoming stops.
In general, if you are standing adjacent to a middle of a set of seats, try to avoid hanging onto the top bar hovering over the hapless sittee below, weaving your legs between theirs. Unless you are dating, back the fuck up! This isn’t a cast call for the long-anticipated remake of Dirty Dancing. Also avoid standing with your crotch pressed up against people sitting on perpendicular two-seaters benches. Your nuts in their hair does not qualify as business casual.
Finally, most heinous of all: Do not stand in front of an empty seat blocking it, when other people clearly would sit down if possible. This fuckery simply will not be tolerated.
In general, if you are standing adjacent to a middle of a set of seats, try to avoid hanging onto the top bar hovering over the hapless sittee below, weaving your legs between theirs. Unless you are dating, back the fuck up! This isn’t a cast call for the long-anticipated remake of Dirty Dancing. Also avoid standing with your crotch pressed up against people sitting on perpendicular two-seaters benches. Your nuts in their hair does not qualify as business casual.
Finally, most heinous of all: Do not stand in front of an empty seat blocking it, when other people clearly would sit down if possible. This fuckery simply will not be tolerated.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Negotiating a Staircase
The rule of thumb when entering or leaving a New York City subway station is to assume that the person behind you is late to the most important event of their life. Keeping that in mind, please ascend and descend the stairs in the safest, fastest way possible, with those going up on the right, those going down on the left. Urge slow movers to increase their pace by hurling at them invectives such as “What the fuck, are you sleepwalking?” or, “Is this your first day with your new feet? Move it!” Exceptions to this are in effect only in the case of very old or very fat people. Sidestep them silently and patiently, because you too will one day be old and fat.
Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to meander slowly down the stairs when someone is behind you. Gravity is taking care of half the work for you. If you feel you need to walk slowly up the stairs due to some medical reason or general laziness, do not rush to be the first one on the staircase. Fall back, with the other fatties and ennui-ridden losers.
Offer to assist ladies with strollers or granny carts, not because you are particularly concerned about their bad backs or lifting prowess, but because it serves the greater good to keep people moving.
Blocking the subway stairs while finishing a cigarette or a cell-phone conversation is a grievous offense. The ideal response is a sucker punch to the nuts; appropriate, less confrontational responses include “accidentally” bumping into the standee while you are descending, or the more milquetoast delivery of the semi-polite statement, “Excuse me, but you’re blocking the way.” Sitting on the steps is a lesser offense most often perpetrated by schoolchildren. An “accidental” kick to the offender is usually sufficient to express one’s point.
The Escalators
In most places around the world, it is acceptable to stand on an escalator with a friend, arms akimbo, and let the world pass you by as you slowly ascend to higher terra firma. New York is not one of these places. In this city, escalators are viewed as stairs that do part of the walking for you. Not walking up the escalator is considered by most New Yorkers to be a poor investment of time. After all, every step you take on your upward ascent is equal to three regular steps. And, with the exception of single-rider width escalators that shoot you up several stories in less than a minute (see Smith and 9th Street, G line), you are expected to continue lifting one foot after the other as you simultaneously ride up the escalator. As is the general rule in New York, if you must stand still, stay in a single file to the right. If you’re walking up the stairs, stay on the left, and if you can’t keep the pace, move back into the slow lane. Impeding one’s method of egress is akin to a temporal cock-block, and should be avoided. In fact, as I approach you from the rear, it occurs to me that perhaps you should consider taking the regular, old-fashioned stairs once in a while.
Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to meander slowly down the stairs when someone is behind you. Gravity is taking care of half the work for you. If you feel you need to walk slowly up the stairs due to some medical reason or general laziness, do not rush to be the first one on the staircase. Fall back, with the other fatties and ennui-ridden losers.
Offer to assist ladies with strollers or granny carts, not because you are particularly concerned about their bad backs or lifting prowess, but because it serves the greater good to keep people moving.
Blocking the subway stairs while finishing a cigarette or a cell-phone conversation is a grievous offense. The ideal response is a sucker punch to the nuts; appropriate, less confrontational responses include “accidentally” bumping into the standee while you are descending, or the more milquetoast delivery of the semi-polite statement, “Excuse me, but you’re blocking the way.” Sitting on the steps is a lesser offense most often perpetrated by schoolchildren. An “accidental” kick to the offender is usually sufficient to express one’s point.
The Escalators
In most places around the world, it is acceptable to stand on an escalator with a friend, arms akimbo, and let the world pass you by as you slowly ascend to higher terra firma. New York is not one of these places. In this city, escalators are viewed as stairs that do part of the walking for you. Not walking up the escalator is considered by most New Yorkers to be a poor investment of time. After all, every step you take on your upward ascent is equal to three regular steps. And, with the exception of single-rider width escalators that shoot you up several stories in less than a minute (see Smith and 9th Street, G line), you are expected to continue lifting one foot after the other as you simultaneously ride up the escalator. As is the general rule in New York, if you must stand still, stay in a single file to the right. If you’re walking up the stairs, stay on the left, and if you can’t keep the pace, move back into the slow lane. Impeding one’s method of egress is akin to a temporal cock-block, and should be avoided. In fact, as I approach you from the rear, it occurs to me that perhaps you should consider taking the regular, old-fashioned stairs once in a while.
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