Thanks to the Commissioners Plan of 1811, all New York streets above 14th are set up on a grid system, with longer avenues running north/south, and shorter streets running east/west.
What this means is that the city is easily navigable when you are walking around on streets higher than 14th Street. For example, if you are at 18th and 7th and you want to be at 26th and 9th, you need to walk up eight blocks, and over two long avenues. (Just be careful if this is actually where you need to go, because it cuts through the projects, and can be a little dodgy at night.)
Keep in mind that eight blocks are easily walkable, whereas eight avenues are much less so. You can walk from 1st St. to 8th St. in four or five minutes; the trek from First to Eighth Avenue will take about forty-five minutes. Make your transportation arrangements accordingly (Tip: For east-west travel, a cross-town bus is often your best option. Whatever street you want to cross corresponds with that bus—the M14 goes down 14th, the M23 down 23rd, the M8 down 8th to Tompkins Square—great for getting to the Lower East Side.)
Thanks to public outcry by old-timey folks, the city’s builders added in a bit of green in the form of Central Park, but archeologists have located the original iron pegs, still planted in the park’s stone boulders, that demarcate where Sixth Avenue was originally intended to flow.
Another remaining exception to the grid plan is Broadway, an old Lenape Indian trail that starts downtown on the east side between Lafayette St. and 4th Avenue, and cuts diagonally west as it weaves uptown, crossing Amsterdam around W. 79th Street. The history is nifty, but know that where Broadway is when you’re downtown isn’t where it’s going to be when you travel uptown.
Should you venture below 14th Street into old Manhattan, all bets are off. Cobblestone streets come together at strange angles, and the natural (and man-made) topography of lower Manhattan narrows. Did you know? Parts of this Manhattan neighborhood used to not exist, until builders filled in the seaside with dirt and dead horses. Totally not shitting you here, people. Dead horses.
Use caution (and a map) to navigate these areas, and think outside the box: 7th Ave South. is a completely different thoroughfare than 7th Ave., and Greenwich Street is a nice long bit of a hike from Greenwich Avenue. Be sure not to mix the two up when asking for directions from New Yorkers, the friendliest people on earth.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Life in the Fast Lane
Watch New Yorkers negotiate crowded sidewalks with ease, and you may begin to have an appreciation for the unspoken laws that keep this great metropolis moving. Order in the midst of chaos doesn’t just occur, so we forgive you non-Gothamites for not understanding how to correctly move your bodies from point A to point B without invoking the ire of every angry Guido from Broadway to the Bronx. That said, we expect you to at least make an effort to not put this smooth-talking, fast-walking city to a grinding halt. Just keep these tips in mind.
Pedestrian traffic patterns in New York are divided into several lanes going in either direction. You would do well to follow them, and not try and fight the crowd. In busy parts of town, such as Midtown, the savvy walker will notice that there are five streams of traffic: one lane each way in the middle, a slightly slower lane next to buildings, a fast lane on the outside, and a super-fast lane of walkers near or actually in the street. Find the lane that suits you and follow the crowd at a steady pace. Don’t behave erratically, or try to dart ahead of people in your same lane. Most importantly, don’t make any sudden about-faces or abrupt stops; you are likely to cause a pedestrian pile-up. And don’t hustle on over to the fast lane, only to slow your pace. Go with the flow.
If you or your entourage need to stop for any reason, follow the rules of the road: Merge safely to the inside lane (next to a building), glance over your shoulder for fast-movers approaching from behind, and then stop. Don’t block paths of egress, don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk to tie your shoe or check your map, and whatever you do, do not stop moving! This thriving metropolis of more than 8 million people are not going to be voluntarily late to the pressing engagements of their lives while you decide whether or not you’d like to pop into Starbucks for a latte.
Pedestrian traffic patterns in New York are divided into several lanes going in either direction. You would do well to follow them, and not try and fight the crowd. In busy parts of town, such as Midtown, the savvy walker will notice that there are five streams of traffic: one lane each way in the middle, a slightly slower lane next to buildings, a fast lane on the outside, and a super-fast lane of walkers near or actually in the street. Find the lane that suits you and follow the crowd at a steady pace. Don’t behave erratically, or try to dart ahead of people in your same lane. Most importantly, don’t make any sudden about-faces or abrupt stops; you are likely to cause a pedestrian pile-up. And don’t hustle on over to the fast lane, only to slow your pace. Go with the flow.
If you or your entourage need to stop for any reason, follow the rules of the road: Merge safely to the inside lane (next to a building), glance over your shoulder for fast-movers approaching from behind, and then stop. Don’t block paths of egress, don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk to tie your shoe or check your map, and whatever you do, do not stop moving! This thriving metropolis of more than 8 million people are not going to be voluntarily late to the pressing engagements of their lives while you decide whether or not you’d like to pop into Starbucks for a latte.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
How To Walk in Manhattan
Dear tourists: Welcome to New York. We hate you, your suburban attitudes, your blinding, bright-white sneakers, and your fanny packs! But please bolster our economy by spending lots of money. And try to follow our rules.
Fuck You, We’re Not Rude!
No matter what the rest of the world might believe, New Yorkers are not inherently rude. We may be brusque, we often voice our opinions (even when unsolicited), and we will sometimes even breeze by someone who is clearly in need of help, but it’s not because we totally hate your stinking guts. It’s just that we have places to be, and don’t take kindly to having our precious time wasted. Navigating the city and its hordes of huddled masses yearning to breathe free takes time, and you blocking the sidewalk like the wretched refuse of our teeming shores doesn’t help the cause any.
In general, New Yorkers will help a lost lamb find its way—as long as you keep it short. Try and know where you need to go, and ask passers-by simple questions, such as “Which way to Seventh Avenue?” Questions that can be answered by a quick hand gesture are best.
However, sometimes you need more detailed directions about a specific place in the part of town you are in. I suggest asking someone walking a dog—you know they live in the area, and are less likely to be beating feet on the way to work. Cops sometimes know something about the area, but don’t approach them unless you really love cops. Avoid asking street vendors—they are often painfully ignorant of their surroundings, and will give a soupçon of totally unwarranted attitude with their uninformed answer.
The Two-Wide Rule
Unless you are ambling through the Cloisters or some similarly wild and wooly urban nature area, the hard and fast rule regarding walking in New York City is to maintain a two-wide maximum. What that means for you and your extended family unit is that you cannot fan out like Minesweeper and expect everyone to move out of the way while you meander through Times Square, pointing up toward the sky and taking pictures. Two people across, max, means exactly that. If you have three people, one goes behind. If you have four, that means two pairs of twos. Get it? Good. Do not make me cut a bitch.
Fuck You, We’re Not Rude!
No matter what the rest of the world might believe, New Yorkers are not inherently rude. We may be brusque, we often voice our opinions (even when unsolicited), and we will sometimes even breeze by someone who is clearly in need of help, but it’s not because we totally hate your stinking guts. It’s just that we have places to be, and don’t take kindly to having our precious time wasted. Navigating the city and its hordes of huddled masses yearning to breathe free takes time, and you blocking the sidewalk like the wretched refuse of our teeming shores doesn’t help the cause any.
In general, New Yorkers will help a lost lamb find its way—as long as you keep it short. Try and know where you need to go, and ask passers-by simple questions, such as “Which way to Seventh Avenue?” Questions that can be answered by a quick hand gesture are best.
However, sometimes you need more detailed directions about a specific place in the part of town you are in. I suggest asking someone walking a dog—you know they live in the area, and are less likely to be beating feet on the way to work. Cops sometimes know something about the area, but don’t approach them unless you really love cops. Avoid asking street vendors—they are often painfully ignorant of their surroundings, and will give a soupçon of totally unwarranted attitude with their uninformed answer.
The Two-Wide Rule
Unless you are ambling through the Cloisters or some similarly wild and wooly urban nature area, the hard and fast rule regarding walking in New York City is to maintain a two-wide maximum. What that means for you and your extended family unit is that you cannot fan out like Minesweeper and expect everyone to move out of the way while you meander through Times Square, pointing up toward the sky and taking pictures. Two people across, max, means exactly that. If you have three people, one goes behind. If you have four, that means two pairs of twos. Get it? Good. Do not make me cut a bitch.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Fuck Google Maps
Many people may point to Google maps as if advice like mine were now no longer warranted. No, I resolutely reply, How to Ride is not about station stops and shortcuts, but about etiquette and insider-rider savvy. To be fair, I accessed Google maps to see what kinds of advice they would offer regarding my morning commute. The results were laughable, I daresay even ludicrous: to travel from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to Wall Street, they suggested taking the R to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., and transferring to the 2/3 to Wall Street.
This is wrong on so many fronts. First of all, if you are traveling during morning rush hour, every other R train will meet up with an N express at 59th Street. Transfer there and take the express all the way to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., keeping an eye out for the M local train on the opposite track, which will take you in only four stops to Broad Street, at the corner of Wall. Bada-boom, bada-bing.
If you miss the express and take the R train local all the way to the top of Brooklyn, it doesn’t make sense to switch at all—you may as well go four more stops and just walk up Water Street to Wall. It takes only five minutes. And, what Google maps won’t tell you about their “handy” 2/3 transfer is that going between these two tracks means navigating about 200 stairs. There is a hefty, steep flight up from the N/R, another steep flight down, a short traverse through the underground passage, and then a hustle up another very steep staircase. All in morning rush hour. Plus, once you are there, the 2/3 train still hits about six stops before it reaches Wall Street.
My point being, how this can possibly be considered the shortest route? This leads me to my aforementioned conclusion: Fuck Google maps.
At this point, I consider it behoovy of me to share with you some of the best shortcuts I have learned throughout the years.
--Keep moving forward! If a train comes that is going in your direction, take it. You may meet up with your train at a future stop.
--If you miss your transfer to the downtown D/B express trains at W. 4th St. and an F/V train is across the platform, hop on. You should be able to catch up with the express at Broadway/Lafayette St.
--When going to Times Square, a Q train is often a less-crowded alternative to other express trains.
--Take the A train to get uptown to Harlem and Washington Heights quickly. It is sometimes even faster to overshoot your stop and take the local back.
--Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the G train offers a valid route from the southern part of Brooklyn through Williamsburg. It might as well not even exist, as rare as it appears. Although it seems longer on the map, you are much better off taking a train to Union Square, and transferring to the L train.
This is wrong on so many fronts. First of all, if you are traveling during morning rush hour, every other R train will meet up with an N express at 59th Street. Transfer there and take the express all the way to Atlantic Ave./Pacific St., keeping an eye out for the M local train on the opposite track, which will take you in only four stops to Broad Street, at the corner of Wall. Bada-boom, bada-bing.
If you miss the express and take the R train local all the way to the top of Brooklyn, it doesn’t make sense to switch at all—you may as well go four more stops and just walk up Water Street to Wall. It takes only five minutes. And, what Google maps won’t tell you about their “handy” 2/3 transfer is that going between these two tracks means navigating about 200 stairs. There is a hefty, steep flight up from the N/R, another steep flight down, a short traverse through the underground passage, and then a hustle up another very steep staircase. All in morning rush hour. Plus, once you are there, the 2/3 train still hits about six stops before it reaches Wall Street.
My point being, how this can possibly be considered the shortest route? This leads me to my aforementioned conclusion: Fuck Google maps.
At this point, I consider it behoovy of me to share with you some of the best shortcuts I have learned throughout the years.
--Keep moving forward! If a train comes that is going in your direction, take it. You may meet up with your train at a future stop.
--If you miss your transfer to the downtown D/B express trains at W. 4th St. and an F/V train is across the platform, hop on. You should be able to catch up with the express at Broadway/Lafayette St.
--When going to Times Square, a Q train is often a less-crowded alternative to other express trains.
--Take the A train to get uptown to Harlem and Washington Heights quickly. It is sometimes even faster to overshoot your stop and take the local back.
--Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the G train offers a valid route from the southern part of Brooklyn through Williamsburg. It might as well not even exist, as rare as it appears. Although it seems longer on the map, you are much better off taking a train to Union Square, and transferring to the L train.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Junk Trains and Money Trains
Some nights, you’ll wait a good long time for those headlights on the track, but when the train finally hits the station, the windows are blackened, and it doesn’t even slow down, or else it’s a ramshackle wooden contraption filled with tools and bins. What are these not-regular trains? They are the trash train and the money train.
The ramshackle trains pulling the rusty yellow wooden flatbeds full of green bins is the trash train. Late at night when most people are already asleep, subway workers move from station to station, removing the trash bins from the closets at the end of some subway stations and replacing them with empty green bins pulled from off the cattle car. This is truly a fascinating thing to watch, especially because you can get real close to the train and peek around inside at all the assorted detritus of city living.
The money train is another matter altogether. Officially, this train was retired in 2006; the advent of Metrocards made its late night runs as obsolete as the Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson movie of the same name. The money train was the yellow and black striped train with the blacked-out windows that transported the daily MTA take to the King Midas money counting chamber. It was heavily guarded, so riders wouldn’t get any ideas about hijacking it… this wasn’t The Taking of Pelham One Two Three here….although I did hear they are releasing a remake of this classic in June ’09, starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington, and John Turturro.
My karate sensei, who works for the MTA, told a story of being a young man in Brooklyn and running to catch the train. He leapt over the staircase railing and into the train just as the doors closed, only to find a cadre of police officers with their firearms trained on him. Having jumped unawares into the money train, he threw his arms up in surrender, saying, “I’m just a kid!” Eventually they let him go.
If you’re interested in how the money train works, the MTA Transit Museum offers a “Show Me The Money” exhibit for kids 4 and older at the end of May, in which participants can help collect fares on a route through the museum. Click here for more info.
The ramshackle trains pulling the rusty yellow wooden flatbeds full of green bins is the trash train. Late at night when most people are already asleep, subway workers move from station to station, removing the trash bins from the closets at the end of some subway stations and replacing them with empty green bins pulled from off the cattle car. This is truly a fascinating thing to watch, especially because you can get real close to the train and peek around inside at all the assorted detritus of city living.
The money train is another matter altogether. Officially, this train was retired in 2006; the advent of Metrocards made its late night runs as obsolete as the Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson movie of the same name. The money train was the yellow and black striped train with the blacked-out windows that transported the daily MTA take to the King Midas money counting chamber. It was heavily guarded, so riders wouldn’t get any ideas about hijacking it… this wasn’t The Taking of Pelham One Two Three here….although I did hear they are releasing a remake of this classic in June ’09, starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington, and John Turturro.
My karate sensei, who works for the MTA, told a story of being a young man in Brooklyn and running to catch the train. He leapt over the staircase railing and into the train just as the doors closed, only to find a cadre of police officers with their firearms trained on him. Having jumped unawares into the money train, he threw his arms up in surrender, saying, “I’m just a kid!” Eventually they let him go.
If you’re interested in how the money train works, the MTA Transit Museum offers a “Show Me The Money” exhibit for kids 4 and older at the end of May, in which participants can help collect fares on a route through the museum. Click here for more info.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Get Your Zs on the Z Train
Some people will advise against sleeping on the train, but like most everything else in life, it’s all in how you do it. Should you choose to do your dozing on the D line, it is imperative that you develop a strong stop-wake reflex. With some effort, you can train yourself to open your eyes every time the train comes to a stop. You don’t have to completely stop sleeping; even one eye opened is sufficient to tell you where you are, and when you need to transfer.
These tips will help you negotiate a successful train nap:
Choose your seat wisely. Find a somewhat secluded seat, away from loudmouths, preferably one facing an empty seat for you to rest your feet upon. But make sure it’s not too secluded; you don’t want to wake up to find yourself in car with you in the role of Sleeping Beauty, with Dopey and Grumpy trying to kiss you out of your coma.
Don’t expect to rest your nodding, sleepy head on your neighbor’s shoulder. If you didn’t bring a friend to lean on, make sure your head has a window to prop itself against.
If you have a bag, wrap the handle around your shoulder. That way, when you wake up, you’ll still have the shit you walked in with.
Don’t fall asleep with a cup of coffee or other beverage in your hand. You’ll drop it, guaranteed, and that ruins your nap. Also, don’t fall asleep with candy in your mouth. I recently watched with concern/disgust as a relatively well-dressed white man, clearly completely strung out on heroin, nodded off for nearly an hour with a Blow-Pop in his mouth. A thin strand of spit ran steadily down the lolly stick onto his backpack. Sometimes the lollypop would fall out of his mouth, and stick to his jeans or fall onto his filthy backpack, which was lying on the floor. Each time he regained consciousness, he’d shove it right back in his mouth, floor grit and all.
Despite following these rules, sometimes you will overestimate your ability to sub-sleep, and will wake up somewhere near the Coney Island rail yards. It’s a real bitch, mostly because if you were so exhausted to begin with, you were most likely out drinking or cavorting until 4 a.m., and now the sun is rising over the beach, and you’re reenacting the final scene of The Warriors.
My advice: If you can afford to take a cab home from wherever you are, do so. Otherwise, you have to cross over to the other side of the platform, wait for that train to arrive, take it back to the original point where you were supposed to transfer, exit, cross back over to the other side of the platform, and wait for your transfer train. It is frustrating as all hell, most of the platforms by the yards are outdoors and sketchy, and at night, the trains run none too fast.
Weekend at Bernie’s
Oh. So that guy wasn’t sleeping after all. It’s terrible, but sometimes people drop dead on the subway. Sometimes, people can’t tell for a while, either. If you happen to find a dead guy on the subway, tell the police or an MTA official. Or, just move into the next car, if you think your conscience can handle leaving some dead guy for the next person to find. Me, I feel bad leaving pee on the toilet seat, but hey, you might be totally okay with it. Just don’t rob the corpse. Or do rob it. What does he care, he’s already dead. And what do I care? I’ve got somewhere else to be.
These tips will help you negotiate a successful train nap:
Choose your seat wisely. Find a somewhat secluded seat, away from loudmouths, preferably one facing an empty seat for you to rest your feet upon. But make sure it’s not too secluded; you don’t want to wake up to find yourself in car with you in the role of Sleeping Beauty, with Dopey and Grumpy trying to kiss you out of your coma.
Don’t expect to rest your nodding, sleepy head on your neighbor’s shoulder. If you didn’t bring a friend to lean on, make sure your head has a window to prop itself against.
If you have a bag, wrap the handle around your shoulder. That way, when you wake up, you’ll still have the shit you walked in with.
Don’t fall asleep with a cup of coffee or other beverage in your hand. You’ll drop it, guaranteed, and that ruins your nap. Also, don’t fall asleep with candy in your mouth. I recently watched with concern/disgust as a relatively well-dressed white man, clearly completely strung out on heroin, nodded off for nearly an hour with a Blow-Pop in his mouth. A thin strand of spit ran steadily down the lolly stick onto his backpack. Sometimes the lollypop would fall out of his mouth, and stick to his jeans or fall onto his filthy backpack, which was lying on the floor. Each time he regained consciousness, he’d shove it right back in his mouth, floor grit and all.
Despite following these rules, sometimes you will overestimate your ability to sub-sleep, and will wake up somewhere near the Coney Island rail yards. It’s a real bitch, mostly because if you were so exhausted to begin with, you were most likely out drinking or cavorting until 4 a.m., and now the sun is rising over the beach, and you’re reenacting the final scene of The Warriors.
My advice: If you can afford to take a cab home from wherever you are, do so. Otherwise, you have to cross over to the other side of the platform, wait for that train to arrive, take it back to the original point where you were supposed to transfer, exit, cross back over to the other side of the platform, and wait for your transfer train. It is frustrating as all hell, most of the platforms by the yards are outdoors and sketchy, and at night, the trains run none too fast.
Weekend at Bernie’s
Oh. So that guy wasn’t sleeping after all. It’s terrible, but sometimes people drop dead on the subway. Sometimes, people can’t tell for a while, either. If you happen to find a dead guy on the subway, tell the police or an MTA official. Or, just move into the next car, if you think your conscience can handle leaving some dead guy for the next person to find. Me, I feel bad leaving pee on the toilet seat, but hey, you might be totally okay with it. Just don’t rob the corpse. Or do rob it. What does he care, he’s already dead. And what do I care? I’ve got somewhere else to be.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Subway Jack-Offs
Men like to take their dick out on subway trains. There is the professional-looking evening commuter who gently places his unit on his thigh, as if he is airing it out after a long day of work. Then there is the drunk late-night tosser, leering at female commuters through glazed eyes as he rubs one out. Neither is okay.
Unlike drinking excessively and having to whip your dick out to pee on the train, there is no situation I can envision in which someone has to masturbate on the subway. If you have a home, you should wait until you get there to get your stroke on. Like my sister tells her pre-teen son: “It’s not bad, but you need to do it in your room.”
If you are homeless, pulling out your peen is not going to help your situation, what with the chips already stacked against you because of your body odor, your colorful collection of assorted shopping bags, and your real or assumed mental illness, drug, and alcohol addictions. On the bright side, most people will already be steering a wide path around you.
Oddly enough, homeless people don’t comprise the majority of subway strokers, in my experience. The majority of public masturbators I have witnessed look like “normal” guys—a fact that only adds to the sense of violation felt when encountering one. And exposing oneself on the subway can start a fad. Once one guy makes whipping his wang out the norm, others jump on the bandwagon.
I once entered a subway car late at night to discover that three guys were jerking off. The most disconcerting part about this was not the plethora of public self-pleasuring, it was that all three guys were sitting in different parts of the train, gazing not at each other nor at me, but soullessly out the window. I was less disgusted than disturbed; it was the loneliest, saddest thing I have ever seen. I switched cars quickly.
Subway Hook-ups
Due to the general unsanitary nature of the subway train, I highly recommend that any partner sex be relegated to some other venue. However, given some people’s penchant for exhibitionism and/or public sex, it warrants remarking that sometimes, people have sex on the train. If you must do it, find a late-night subway car, empty save you and your partner, and try and finish whatever you’re doing by the time the subway reaches the next station. (The express train over the Manhattan Bridge is the longest uninterrupted stretch.) I just can’t think of anything more awkward than stumbling drunk onto an otherwise empty subway car to discover that your fellow riders are engaged in a late-night game of hide the salami.
The same advice applies to the gays, although I do remember hearing that the Fulton Street station was the best place for gay men on the DL to hook up. I don’t think lesbians hook up in hidden subway station niches, but I have been surprised by women before. You guys let me know if you hear anything to that end.
Unlike drinking excessively and having to whip your dick out to pee on the train, there is no situation I can envision in which someone has to masturbate on the subway. If you have a home, you should wait until you get there to get your stroke on. Like my sister tells her pre-teen son: “It’s not bad, but you need to do it in your room.”
If you are homeless, pulling out your peen is not going to help your situation, what with the chips already stacked against you because of your body odor, your colorful collection of assorted shopping bags, and your real or assumed mental illness, drug, and alcohol addictions. On the bright side, most people will already be steering a wide path around you.
Oddly enough, homeless people don’t comprise the majority of subway strokers, in my experience. The majority of public masturbators I have witnessed look like “normal” guys—a fact that only adds to the sense of violation felt when encountering one. And exposing oneself on the subway can start a fad. Once one guy makes whipping his wang out the norm, others jump on the bandwagon.
I once entered a subway car late at night to discover that three guys were jerking off. The most disconcerting part about this was not the plethora of public self-pleasuring, it was that all three guys were sitting in different parts of the train, gazing not at each other nor at me, but soullessly out the window. I was less disgusted than disturbed; it was the loneliest, saddest thing I have ever seen. I switched cars quickly.
Subway Hook-ups
Due to the general unsanitary nature of the subway train, I highly recommend that any partner sex be relegated to some other venue. However, given some people’s penchant for exhibitionism and/or public sex, it warrants remarking that sometimes, people have sex on the train. If you must do it, find a late-night subway car, empty save you and your partner, and try and finish whatever you’re doing by the time the subway reaches the next station. (The express train over the Manhattan Bridge is the longest uninterrupted stretch.) I just can’t think of anything more awkward than stumbling drunk onto an otherwise empty subway car to discover that your fellow riders are engaged in a late-night game of hide the salami.
The same advice applies to the gays, although I do remember hearing that the Fulton Street station was the best place for gay men on the DL to hook up. I don’t think lesbians hook up in hidden subway station niches, but I have been surprised by women before. You guys let me know if you hear anything to that end.
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