How To Walk in Manhattan

Dear tourists: Welcome to New York. We hate you, your suburban attitudes, your blinding, bright-white sneakers, and your fanny packs! But please bolster our economy by spending lots of money. And try to follow our rules.

Fuck You, We’re Not Rude!
No matter what the rest of the world might believe, New Yorkers are not inherently rude. We may be brusque, we often voice our opinions (even when unsolicited), and we will sometimes even breeze by someone who is clearly in need of help, but it’s not because we totally hate your stinking guts. It’s just that we have places to be, and don’t take kindly to having our precious time wasted. Navigating the city and its hordes of huddled masses yearning to breathe free takes time, and you blocking the sidewalk like the wretched refuse of our teeming shores doesn’t help the cause any.

In general, New Yorkers will help a lost lamb find its way—as long as you keep it short. Try and know where you need to go, and ask passers-by simple questions, such as “Which way to Seventh Avenue?” Questions that can be answered by a quick hand gesture are best.

However, sometimes you need more detailed directions about a specific place in the part of town you are in. I suggest asking someone walking a dog—you know they live in the area, and are less likely to be beating feet on the way to work. Cops sometimes know something about the area, but don’t approach them unless you really love cops. Avoid asking street vendors—they are often painfully ignorant of their surroundings, and will give a soupçon of totally unwarranted attitude with their uninformed answer.

The Two-Wide Rule
Unless you are ambling through the Cloisters or some similarly wild and wooly urban nature area, the hard and fast rule regarding walking in New York City is to maintain a two-wide maximum. What that means for you and your extended family unit is that you cannot fan out like Minesweeper and expect everyone to move out of the way while you meander through Times Square, pointing up toward the sky and taking pictures. Two people across, max, means exactly that. If you have three people, one goes behind. If you have four, that means two pairs of twos. Get it? Good. Do not make me cut a bitch.