Subway Entertainers, Beggars, and Bums

I have a lot of respect for subway entertainers—provided they have some modicum of talent. Tourists seem to enjoy giving their money to anyone hawking anything on the train, but New Yorkers know which acts are truly worthy of that dollar bill.

One of the top acts is the break dancing kids that perform along the A, C, E line. These kids range from 5–15 years old, use the unique skills of each member of their troupe, and they know how to put the train to maximum use in their act. They enter a car, turn on a beat box, and take turns breaking. Older kids will flip younger ones to bounce off the roof of the train, two kids will link in and roll down the center aisle, while another will do acrobatics off the bars. It takes skills to pay the bills, and these kids deserve your money.

In the stations, the best break dance routine is to be found at the Times Square subway station, between the 2/3 and N/R lines. People crowd around to watch these dancers impress with their moves. Quality thrills for the whole family. Watch your wallet.

Also skilled are the mariachi players who ride along the N/R line from Sunset Park to Jackson Heights. Groups of three or four men wearing large sombreros, cowboy boots, and Western shirts adorned with fancy pearl buttons will play guitar, accordian, and percussives, and sing what I must only assume are traditional mariachi songs. They are polite and move quickly to the next car. The act is worth your time and money.

There is also a four-man doo-wop group of older African-American men on the uptown 2/3 and F lines. They aren’t great, and they stick around for a little too long singing, “Under the Boardwalk” in four-part harmony, but it’s your money, so make your own decision.

As regards non-performing beggars, I am of the mindset that if all the rest of us crazy drunks can get up every morning and go to work, so can they. I will give money to the teens selling candy so they have pocket change, and sometimes to the old African-American man on the R train who shuffles through mumbling, “Spur change, spur change,” because he’s been doing it for a decade and you have to admire that kind of dedication. His request is short, to the point, and he doesn’t pester you, unlike some down-on-their-luck types who share their tragic misfortunes with you to the point where you don’t even want to give them money anymore. Homeless folks, remember the lesson from Glengarry Glen Ross, “A-B-C: Always be closing.” Don’t talk yourself out of the sale by saying too much.

If you aren’t one of these folks, then no dice. It sounds hard, but if you can’t afford to live in New York City, you shouldn’t live in New York City.

Some bums don’t even attempt to beg. Stay away from these folks, because they have clearly lost the will to live. These are the type of crazy homeless that just sit on the train all day, and have the ability to clear out an entire subway car with either their ammonia-level stench, or their crazy, confrontational behavior. Mostly I just feel bad for these people. But not bad enough to sit near them. I am not certain if it is possible to actually die from a bad smell, but it must be somehow injurious to ingest these particles, so steer clear, just in case.

Radios on the Train

We all think our taste in music is unparalleled, but we can’t all be right. So whether your taste is Tupac or Turandot, keep it to yourself. Don’t blast your MP3 player with portable speakers because you think everyone wants to hear the hot new track you can’t get enough of. Instead, use your headphones, and try to minimize audio seepage. Do a test at home to gauge how loud your ambient music level is: If you can hear the music with the headphones in your hand, it’s too loud. If, even with headphones on, your tunes can be clearly heard by others, it’s time to ditch those Coby knockoffs and invest in a nicer set.

In that same vein, try to keep your karaoke performance limited to karaoke-specific performance venues. If you feel the urge to sing along with your portable jukebox hits, think first of how Marlee Matlin sounds when she talks. This is you, singing. If you can’t keep the music inside, just mouth the words, and leave it at that.

Try not to get carried away tapping your foot, or playing air guitar, drums, or any variety of air instruments available. Believe it or not, fellow commuters might not take too kindly to your clipping out the bass line to AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock” on the metal subway pole with the back of your Irish Claddagh wedding ring. It is true that music soothes the savage beast, but unwanted sharing of said music could have some savage repercussions.

Walking and Riding Between Cars

Another official MTA rule regards walking or riding between subway cars. Supposedly, this is bad. In some cases, such as the 7 train, with its sudden hairpin turns careening on an elevated track, it is actually dangerous. But in most cases, the rule doesn’t make much sense. If you don’t like your car or would like to be in another one and are able-bodied enough to negotiate opening doors and stepping between moving train cars, feel free to walk between cars.

Here are some tips to make it safer: Try to minimize the amount of time that your feet are split between the cars, in case of sudden turns. Pull the latch to the right and open one door, step out while holding the handle, then cross to the ledge of the next car and open that door. If someone is leaning against the door in the next car, it is polite to rap on the window before opening it, so they are not startled into falling to their death.

Riding between cars—in the sense that you spend an extended amount of time there—is frowned upon by both the MTA and by me. First off, other people might want to pass through, and if you are blocking their path of egress, what’s that about? And secondly, extended riding between cars just leaves too much chance for accidents to happen.

Most people who ride between cars are either rebellious teens, or people who decide their commute would be improved with a smoke break of some type. If you stay there long enough, the MTA will catch and ticket you. Especially on the 7 train.

Note: Most of these doors are locked on older train cars on the N, R, Q, B, and D trains. In the case of an emergency, they are automatically unlocked.

Close the Door! Can’t You See I’m Using The Toilet?

The other reason people ride or stand between subway cars for an extended period of time is if they need to use the toilet. It often happens that inebriated young men will step between cars to relieve themselves. (Beware of backsplash, as they will usually just pee on the actual door itself if it is locked).

If you decide to do this, use caution! Remember, direct the stream AWAY FROM THE THIRD RAIL! I can’t imagine how painful it would be to be electrocuted to death via 625 volts DC coursing through your junk, and frankly, I don’t want to.

On the very rare occasion, you may also find women relieving themselves between cars. One unforgettable tale is that of a friend who, attempting to pass through to another car, encountered a homeless woman squatting, taking a shit.

“Close the door! Can’t you see I’m in the toilet?” she hollered. As crazy as that may be, it is in fact quite impolite to walk into the toilet while someone is using it. And, since you may no longer want to walk between those particular cars once that person is finished, wait until the next station stop, and take the scenic route.

If I Smell Soup, Someone Better Be Eating Soup!

In other parts of the world, the concept of personal hygiene is still in its nascent stages of development. New York City, where anal bleaching is a valid cosmetic procedure, is not one of those places.

Please do your best to be non-offensive smelling when riding the public transportation system. It is to be taken into consideration that some burly construction worker types will sweat and smell on the afternoon commute home. This is acceptable, because you are a worker, and it is what it is. This is much less tolerable in short-order cooks, so if you work in a restaurant, keep your coat or an extra shirt in the locker room, and wipe the grease off your shoes (or better yet, change them) before you get on the train. You smell like fried fish. Also, there is no excuse for smelling like pits on your way to work, so please be considerate, at least during the morning commute.

That said, take it easy on the cheap cologne and aftershave, and don’t spritz hairspray or paint your nails while riding. The train is no place to be doing your personal grooming. Specifically, clipping your nails. My skin crawls and I am compelled to move into another car whenever I hear the unmistakable piercing clip of someone thoughtlessly grooming themselves in public. Nobody wants to be hit with the thorny shrapnel of your dead skin, so unless it is a hangnail emergency, do that shit at home! IT IS NEVER OKAY!

Please also try to avoid passing gas on a crowded subway train. If you think it may be a problem and are concerned about personal embarrassment, sit next to an old person before your toot your horn. You can blame it on them, and if they’re old enough, they will probably think they did it, too.

Some stenches are just so wrong, they defy understanding. If you are a normal person working a regular job, there is no way you should smell that bad. Because quite frankly, if I smell soup, somebody sure as hell better be eating soup!


Eating on the Train

The MTA has a lot of rules for riders, one of which is no eating or drinking allowed on the train. In this rare instance, I can agree with their decision. (Not the drinking part, per se, although if you enter a subway train toting a hot beverage sans lid, you deserve to be scalded for your foolishness.)

But regarding eating on the train, unless you are starving to death and the train ride is the only time you have to scarf down food before you get to work, the subway is no place to eat. Snacks like candy and chips are fine, but please, don’t litter. Morning breakfast sandwiches are also grudgingly accepted, noting the aforementioned clause. (But your eggs stink, and you know it.) Please be especially considerate when eating around pregnant women, as odd or strong smells often trigger morning sickness.

The subway is by no stretch of the imagination an ideal picnicking area, and anything you eat, no matter how delicious it smells to you, reeks to high heaven for everyone else. If you don’t believe me, take a walk around your apartment building around dinnertime and tell me if you smell anything even remotely edible. Then imagine being trapped with that smell (what is that, anyway, boiled tripe?) for the next hour. Have some sympathy. If you must eat, pick fried chicken. Almost everyone likes the smell of fried chicken, even if it is disgusting to watch you eat it. And stop dropping your damned bones on the floor!

Items that must in no way ever be consumed on a subway train include onion bagels with chive cream cheese, any kind of Chinese food, subs, hoagies, grinders, or anything with garlic and deli meat on it, and anything Indian. If I wanted to smell like curry, I would have taken a taxi.

Also, if you have children who are snacking on the train, don’t leave a trail of Hi-C punch and Cheerios in your wake. Get a Wet One and clean up after your ankle-biter before you exit. And keep the cap on your Diet Pepsi; that shit gets sticky when it spills!

How to Ride in Rush Hour

Often, especially during morning and evening rush hour, the train is simply so crowded that you have no choice but to touch your fellow passengers. This too comes with its own unspoken etiquette, complicated and full of nuances that can take years to learn. For the uninitiated, there is a simple rule to be followed: If you must touch people, touch them in a way that indicates that you are receiving absolutely no pleasure whatsoever from the experience.

Put your bags on the floor, but hold your arms, hands, and elbows at shoulder height to create a “cage” of personal space around you. Arrange your body so that it touches the side of some other person, as opposed to the front or back. If you must stack, go butt to butt. For the sake of all that is good and holy, do not spoon against someone on the subway train. Unless you are romantically involved, there is never a situation in which it is appropriate to fully press your body into that of another person, crowded train be damned. You are commuting here, not romancing the stone.

Sometimes the Train is Full, Bitch!

This dovetails very nicely with the previous section. Sometimes, when all the seats are full and all the people on the train are as smashed into each other as possible, it could be that the train has reached its capacity. Clues that might indicate this situation include completely full subway cars, and angry passengers keeping the doors from closing completely.

Should you witness something like this, do not try to attempt to board. Sometimes the train is full, bitch! No more people can safely fit in, but there are always those diehards and foreign visitors who insist upon cramming their bodies into the train, armpits flailing into the air, toes stepped upon, misery palpable.

No one likes to be inconvenienced by waiting for the next train, but in most cases, if the train is this crowded, it is because it is running late, and the next train, directly behind it, will be blissfully empty. Wait for it. The constant exceptions to this rule are the 2/3 train at rush hour, and the Manhattan-bound L train, as it reaches Bedford Avenue. These trains are always busy. Sometimes you have to let one or two trains pass before you can get in, even if you’re only traveling three stops to Union Square.

Hey, This Car’s Empty!

Imagine it’s a hot day, summer in the city, and after sweating out the wait on a crowded subway station, a train pulls into the station with one car blissfully empty. DO NOT ENTER THIS CAR! It is empty for a reason, and trust me, you do not want to discover the reason.

Fight instinct and logic and follow the crowd into already-occupied cars. This seemingly perfect empty car is either 150 degrees with windows that don’t open, or inhabited by a smell too heinous and hard-core for even New Yorkers to handle, a crazy homeless person exuding said smell, or a wayward rat that has scurried in at a previous stop.

Appropriate Space Between People

Maintaining the appropriate amount of space between riders on a subway train is a constant battle. The rule of thumb is to always place the maximum amount of space available between yourself and the next closest rider. Similar to elevator etiquette, there is a prescribed spot intended for each subsequent rider. Deviating from this etiquette may cause fellow riders to give you the fisheye, silently hate you, or openly accuse you of being a pervert.

When sitting: Refer to the tips above to determine which seats are best. However, be ready to adjust your sitting pattern as the train dynamics change. For example, if you start your trip on a crowded train, it is acceptable to sit cheek-by-jowl with fellow riders. But when other passengers leave, opening up prime seats, it is considered odd to remain so close to a stranger. Move away, and give a bitch some breathing room!

Slide over to the end seat, or move to an empty two-seater bench and put your feet up (just move them when more riders or cops come through.) There is no rule that says you have to stay in the first seat you chose, i.e. “When the no smoking sign is off, feel free to move about the cabin.”

Conversely, if the train is empty when you board, it is considered highly odd (serial killer-ish, frankly) to sit directly next to the only other occupant. We all spend enough time crammed up against other people; enjoy the space when it’s available.

One notable exception: After months of scoping out a subway hottie, she enters an empty train, and sits directly next to me. Realizing the obvious oddity of the situation, I start a conversation, in which she discovers I am a magazine writer, and I learn that she is a hosiery designer. She offers me her number, and asks me to call if I find myself in need of socks or tights for photo fashion shoots. As she exits the train, I quip, “I’ll be sure to call you; I’m always looking for some good hose.” See subway flirting for more on this subject.

When standing: As mentioned before, hold onto something. If you choose one of the vertical bars in the middle, hold onto it with one hand, making sure not to rub against all the other hands holding on. Stand at arms’ length of the pole, and arrange your body sideways, so that it is in the most distant, disaffected position as relates to fellow bar-holders.

Advanced subway riders can sometimes “sub-surf,” negotiating turns, stops, and starts hands-free. This technique requires a moderately wide stance (not Senator Larry Craig wide), advanced levels of balance and dexterity, and the mental wherewithal to anticipate and quickly adapt to changes.

Should you choose to stand in front of door-standers, don’t stand with your back to them, like you’re stacked inside of a goddamned can of Pringles. Face them, and give them a reasonable comfort zone of space (at least two feet), with your body slightly turned at an angle so as not to imply a face-down, and hold onto the side bar.

Should you need to hover over the person in the map seat to find directions, please be sure to move away once you have accomplished your goal. Hanging over the map seat air-humping your way to your chosen stop is creepy, and it prevents other lost individuals from accessing information about upcoming stops.

In general, if you are standing adjacent to a middle of a set of seats, try to avoid hanging onto the top bar hovering over the hapless sittee below, weaving your legs between theirs. Unless you are dating, back the fuck up! This isn’t a cast call for the long-anticipated remake of Dirty Dancing. Also avoid standing with your crotch pressed up against people sitting on perpendicular two-seaters benches. Your nuts in their hair does not qualify as business casual.

Finally, most heinous of all: Do not stand in front of an empty seat blocking it, when other people clearly would sit down if possible. This fuckery simply will not be tolerated.

No Seats Left?

Sometimes, there are just no seats left. This is a great time to pretend that you had wanted to stand anyway. The best place to stand in any train car is leaning against the doors. Fuck the MTA signs; if you do it right, you’re not blocking anything.

Standing in Doorways
The rules regarding doorway standing are very clear! Each doorway has room to accommodate TWO PEOPLE, no more, no less. There is a very clear line of demarcation between the doors; should you find someone who significantly overlaps into your half of the doorway, an incredulous “Just how much room do you need, man?” should be sufficient.

The appropriate way to stand in the doors is with your back facing the door. Unless you’re crossing the bridge and have something to look out at, don’t stare into a tunnel of nothingness like some sociopath serial killer. Likewise, don’t stand sideways so that your ass is at mouth level with the person sitting on the end seat. Unless you are J-Lo, nobody wants to ride with your ass up against their face. It’s just rude.

Etiquette requires that if you want the door spot, you need to be the last person to enter the train. Don’t even try to walk one step into the car and stop because you want the spot; you are blocking other people who need to get on the train, ergo, you are a colossal asshole.

When you reach a station, move to the side so people can enter and exit the train. If there is a large crowd of people, you must step out of the car when it stops, keeping one hand on the door to let people know that you are in the door spot and are being courteous. You are fully entitled to reoccupy your previous spot if you have extended this courtesy; however, don’t expect to reassume this location if you have retreated into the car, or if you block the incoming crowd by trying to hang onto this precious commodity.

After the door spot, the best place to stand is at the very end of the car, near the access doors. Don’t lean on these doors, however; they frequently open, and you could fall to your death.

Other standing places vary, but try to avoid the following behaviors:

Do not lean against or hug the bar! If you don’t have the strength to stand upright unassisted, you should not be out in public. If you feel the urge to wrap yourself around the bar like it is your long-lost love, get over it. People need to hold onto something so they don’t fall, so don’t be an ass. Effective strategies for curbing this behavior is to grab the bar firmly with one knuckle extended, making a firm, jabbing contact with the spine of the pole-sloucher. In the case of long-haired women, snagging a chunk of their hair as you grasp onto the bar produces immediate results. Either strategy can be written off as an accident that would not have happened had the person not been sprawled out along the bar.

Dealing with pole huggers is more difficult. These pathetic safety mongers are often easily embarrassed, and it is usually sufficient to mutter something along the lines of, “I hate to break up your love affair with the pole, but…” or “You and this pole look very happy together, but…”

Sidenote: Don’t pole dance in the subway, and don’t let your kids do it, either. It is never okay. You always look like a fool, and your children look like stripper crack whores in training.

Where to Sit

To the unwary, a moderately empty subway train may appear to offer a vast field of potential seats. But life in New York City revolves around real estate, and seasoned veterans know that some seats are simply better than others.

There are two types of subway trains. The first is like the L, 2, 3, 4, and 5 trains: two benches running parallel along either side, with a tiny two-seater bench on each end. All new trains have these single, parallel benches (see photo).

Photo caption: New subway trains have parallel rows of seats. The best is the end seat, above. The other type is like older N, R, and Q trains: a collection of seats, three across and two perpendicular, with two bench seats on either end.

On the first type of train, the best seat is either one of the tiny bench seats (see second photo, above), or the last seat on either row of longer benches. This insures you a place to rest your arm, a quicker exit upon arrival to your destination, and one less sweaty person pressing against you. On the second type of train, the Holy Grail is the perpendicular-facing end seat, preferably with a window—but not all trains have this seat. An ideal seat is the inside window seat of the perpendicular chairs. The window pane affords a good resting place for your elbow or arm, and the slight bump under the seat is ideal for propping a foot upon. Avoid resting your head against the window; if you look, you will see a grease stain worthy of an antimacassar.

Sidenote: This seat has the potential to become the worst seat ever. Should a family or other large group of people enter the train and assume the empty seats next to and in front of you, surrender the area immediately to them. Don’t even fight it; the magic is gone.

The next best seat is the end seat closest to the door, for the aforementioned reasons. The third best is the two-person bench at the end, but only if you are the only one sitting there, as these end-benches are smaller on the older trains than on the newer ones, and you may spend your voyage rubbing thighs with a chain-smoking divorcee from Bed-Stuy.

As noted above, the perfect seat may become a nightmare seat, depending on who occupies the adjoining seat. The obvious bad choice is the clearly homeless, crazy, drunk, or vagrant rider. Do not sit next to this person, for reasons you can clearly see and smell. However, not every bad co-rider is as easily identifiable.

Here are some (slightly discriminatory) tips on who to avoid:

Don’t sit by old Jewish men. They often smell like mothballs, cabbage, and sweat-soaked polyester, they take an extra seat for their big furry hats, and they spend the whole ride muttering passages from the Torah and picking their noses.

Don’t sit by Orthodox Jewish families at all. They tend to have loads of children, and don’t seem to mind when their kids climb all over the seats. They also favor using the big perambulator-type strollers from the 1950s, which take up a disproportionate amount of room. Plus, they stare in a very unsettling, accusatory way.

Avoid teenagers whenever possible. Try not to ride the train AT ALL between 2:30-4 p.m., when the kids get off school and journey home, pumped full of sugar and angst. They make a lot of noise, yell and cuss to show off to their friends, and are generally rude and disruptive. Especially to be avoided are groups of African-American and Hispanic teenage girls. It takes only one eye-roll to find yourself face to face with a confrontational, disenfranchised youth with a chip on her shoulder and a razor blade tucked into her weave. Move cautiously into the next subway car, avoiding eye contact. Seriously. Teenagers are the most awful force on the planet, worse even than people who shoot arctic wolves from helicopters.

For many of the same reasons, avoid sitting next to large groups of men, regardless of age. They are often drunk and looking to prove a point or make their Neanderthal travel companions guffaw. They like to say stupid, sexist, homophobic, racist things loud enough for the entire car to hear, hoping their misguided attempts at bravado will be rewarded by the rest of the clan.

Never sit next to or between two elderly Asian people. They are almost always carrying bags of dried fish, and it is apparently a custom in their culture to talk to each other in high-decibel level tones, even if they are sitting in close proximity. It sounds like cats being choked, all gee-ra-chow-gos and toothless grins.

Keep a wary eye out for the clandestine drunk. This person often lives far from their initial point of drunkenness, and enters the subway hoping to make it home intact. However, the subsequent shaking of the train can cause nausea, which when exposed to over extensive periods of time, can cause vomiting. You do not want to sit next to this future puker. Tips for spotting this person include their rolling eyes and head, slight drooling or gagging, and nodding out. Often, these boozehounds fall asleep and awake when the train reaches the yards in Coney Island. It is considered thoughtful at this point to awaken and inform passed-out drunks of their location, before the NYPD has the chance to do so. They tend to be less thoughtful and understanding of persons in this condition.

Side note: When someone does puke on the subway, move away quickly, but kindly. If possible, offer a Kleenex, water, or piece of gum to the puker. That’s good karma for your own future public pukes. Whenever possible, move to the next car. Puke stinks, and makes other people puke.

Finally, avoid Mr. Elephant Nuts. Whether he suffers a medical condition or is simply overestimating the amount of breathing room needed for his junk, this breed of man revels in spreading his legs so wide it is nearly impossible to occupy any adjacent seats. He is a douche bag, and does not seem to be concerned in the slightest by that fact.

The Map Seat
Every subway car is equipped with two MTA maps on either end of the car. If you choose to sit in the map seat, be prepared for lost travelers to hover over you. Try to be accommodating. If you are a cowboy with a 10-gallon Stetson hat, this is not an ideal seat for you. If you are a seasoned rider in the map seat, feel free to offer travel advice to lost riders as you deem appropriate.

Again, be aware of your surroundings. If someone is hovering over you, check to see if you are actually in the map seat. Sometimes, as I unfortunately had the bad fortune to discover, the person who appears to be looking over your shoulder at the map is a drunk Hispanic man jacking off onto your New York Times.