To the unwary, a moderately empty subway train may appear to offer a vast field of potential seats. But life in New York City revolves around real estate, and seasoned veterans know that some seats are simply better than others.
There are two types of subway trains. The first is like the L, 2, 3, 4, and 5 trains: two benches running parallel along either side, with a tiny two-seater bench on each end. All new trains have these single, parallel benches (see photo).
There are two types of subway trains. The first is like the L, 2, 3, 4, and 5 trains: two benches running parallel along either side, with a tiny two-seater bench on each end. All new trains have these single, parallel benches (see photo).
Photo caption: New subway trains have parallel rows of seats. The best is the end seat, above. The other type is like older N, R, and Q trains: a collection of seats, three across and two perpendicular, with two bench seats on either end.
On the first type of train, the best seat is either one of the tiny bench seats (see second photo, above), or the last seat on either row of longer benches. This insures you a place to rest your arm, a quicker exit upon arrival to your destination, and one less sweaty person pressing against you. On the second type of train, the Holy Grail is the perpendicular-facing end seat, preferably with a window—but not all trains have this seat. An ideal seat is the inside window seat of the perpendicular chairs. The window pane affords a good resting place for your elbow or arm, and the slight bump under the seat is ideal for propping a foot upon. Avoid resting your head against the window; if you look, you will see a grease stain worthy of an antimacassar.
Sidenote: This seat has the potential to become the worst seat ever. Should a family or other large group of people enter the train and assume the empty seats next to and in front of you, surrender the area immediately to them. Don’t even fight it; the magic is gone.
The next best seat is the end seat closest to the door, for the aforementioned reasons. The third best is the two-person bench at the end, but only if you are the only one sitting there, as these end-benches are smaller on the older trains than on the newer ones, and you may spend your voyage rubbing thighs with a chain-smoking divorcee from Bed-Stuy.
As noted above, the perfect seat may become a nightmare seat, depending on who occupies the adjoining seat. The obvious bad choice is the clearly homeless, crazy, drunk, or vagrant rider. Do not sit next to this person, for reasons you can clearly see and smell. However, not every bad co-rider is as easily identifiable.
Here are some (slightly discriminatory) tips on who to avoid:
Don’t sit by old Jewish men. They often smell like mothballs, cabbage, and sweat-soaked polyester, they take an extra seat for their big furry hats, and they spend the whole ride muttering passages from the Torah and picking their noses.
Don’t sit by Orthodox Jewish families at all. They tend to have loads of children, and don’t seem to mind when their kids climb all over the seats. They also favor using the big perambulator-type strollers from the 1950s, which take up a disproportionate amount of room. Plus, they stare in a very unsettling, accusatory way.
Avoid teenagers whenever possible. Try not to ride the train AT ALL between 2:30-4 p.m., when the kids get off school and journey home, pumped full of sugar and angst. They make a lot of noise, yell and cuss to show off to their friends, and are generally rude and disruptive. Especially to be avoided are groups of African-American and Hispanic teenage girls. It takes only one eye-roll to find yourself face to face with a confrontational, disenfranchised youth with a chip on her shoulder and a razor blade tucked into her weave. Move cautiously into the next subway car, avoiding eye contact. Seriously. Teenagers are the most awful force on the planet, worse even than people who shoot arctic wolves from helicopters.
For many of the same reasons, avoid sitting next to large groups of men, regardless of age. They are often drunk and looking to prove a point or make their Neanderthal travel companions guffaw. They like to say stupid, sexist, homophobic, racist things loud enough for the entire car to hear, hoping their misguided attempts at bravado will be rewarded by the rest of the clan.
Never sit next to or between two elderly Asian people. They are almost always carrying bags of dried fish, and it is apparently a custom in their culture to talk to each other in high-decibel level tones, even if they are sitting in close proximity. It sounds like cats being choked, all gee-ra-chow-gos and toothless grins.
Keep a wary eye out for the clandestine drunk. This person often lives far from their initial point of drunkenness, and enters the subway hoping to make it home intact. However, the subsequent shaking of the train can cause nausea, which when exposed to over extensive periods of time, can cause vomiting. You do not want to sit next to this future puker. Tips for spotting this person include their rolling eyes and head, slight drooling or gagging, and nodding out. Often, these boozehounds fall asleep and awake when the train reaches the yards in Coney Island. It is considered thoughtful at this point to awaken and inform passed-out drunks of their location, before the NYPD has the chance to do so. They tend to be less thoughtful and understanding of persons in this condition.
Side note: When someone does puke on the subway, move away quickly, but kindly. If possible, offer a Kleenex, water, or piece of gum to the puker. That’s good karma for your own future public pukes. Whenever possible, move to the next car. Puke stinks, and makes other people puke.
Finally, avoid Mr. Elephant Nuts. Whether he suffers a medical condition or is simply overestimating the amount of breathing room needed for his junk, this breed of man revels in spreading his legs so wide it is nearly impossible to occupy any adjacent seats. He is a douche bag, and does not seem to be concerned in the slightest by that fact.
The Map Seat
Every subway car is equipped with two MTA maps on either end of the car. If you choose to sit in the map seat, be prepared for lost travelers to hover over you. Try to be accommodating. If you are a cowboy with a 10-gallon Stetson hat, this is not an ideal seat for you. If you are a seasoned rider in the map seat, feel free to offer travel advice to lost riders as you deem appropriate.
Again, be aware of your surroundings. If someone is hovering over you, check to see if you are actually in the map seat. Sometimes, as I unfortunately had the bad fortune to discover, the person who appears to be looking over your shoulder at the map is a drunk Hispanic man jacking off onto your New York Times.
On the first type of train, the best seat is either one of the tiny bench seats (see second photo, above), or the last seat on either row of longer benches. This insures you a place to rest your arm, a quicker exit upon arrival to your destination, and one less sweaty person pressing against you. On the second type of train, the Holy Grail is the perpendicular-facing end seat, preferably with a window—but not all trains have this seat. An ideal seat is the inside window seat of the perpendicular chairs. The window pane affords a good resting place for your elbow or arm, and the slight bump under the seat is ideal for propping a foot upon. Avoid resting your head against the window; if you look, you will see a grease stain worthy of an antimacassar.
Sidenote: This seat has the potential to become the worst seat ever. Should a family or other large group of people enter the train and assume the empty seats next to and in front of you, surrender the area immediately to them. Don’t even fight it; the magic is gone.
The next best seat is the end seat closest to the door, for the aforementioned reasons. The third best is the two-person bench at the end, but only if you are the only one sitting there, as these end-benches are smaller on the older trains than on the newer ones, and you may spend your voyage rubbing thighs with a chain-smoking divorcee from Bed-Stuy.
As noted above, the perfect seat may become a nightmare seat, depending on who occupies the adjoining seat. The obvious bad choice is the clearly homeless, crazy, drunk, or vagrant rider. Do not sit next to this person, for reasons you can clearly see and smell. However, not every bad co-rider is as easily identifiable.
Here are some (slightly discriminatory) tips on who to avoid:
Don’t sit by old Jewish men. They often smell like mothballs, cabbage, and sweat-soaked polyester, they take an extra seat for their big furry hats, and they spend the whole ride muttering passages from the Torah and picking their noses.
Don’t sit by Orthodox Jewish families at all. They tend to have loads of children, and don’t seem to mind when their kids climb all over the seats. They also favor using the big perambulator-type strollers from the 1950s, which take up a disproportionate amount of room. Plus, they stare in a very unsettling, accusatory way.
Avoid teenagers whenever possible. Try not to ride the train AT ALL between 2:30-4 p.m., when the kids get off school and journey home, pumped full of sugar and angst. They make a lot of noise, yell and cuss to show off to their friends, and are generally rude and disruptive. Especially to be avoided are groups of African-American and Hispanic teenage girls. It takes only one eye-roll to find yourself face to face with a confrontational, disenfranchised youth with a chip on her shoulder and a razor blade tucked into her weave. Move cautiously into the next subway car, avoiding eye contact. Seriously. Teenagers are the most awful force on the planet, worse even than people who shoot arctic wolves from helicopters.
For many of the same reasons, avoid sitting next to large groups of men, regardless of age. They are often drunk and looking to prove a point or make their Neanderthal travel companions guffaw. They like to say stupid, sexist, homophobic, racist things loud enough for the entire car to hear, hoping their misguided attempts at bravado will be rewarded by the rest of the clan.
Never sit next to or between two elderly Asian people. They are almost always carrying bags of dried fish, and it is apparently a custom in their culture to talk to each other in high-decibel level tones, even if they are sitting in close proximity. It sounds like cats being choked, all gee-ra-chow-gos and toothless grins.
Keep a wary eye out for the clandestine drunk. This person often lives far from their initial point of drunkenness, and enters the subway hoping to make it home intact. However, the subsequent shaking of the train can cause nausea, which when exposed to over extensive periods of time, can cause vomiting. You do not want to sit next to this future puker. Tips for spotting this person include their rolling eyes and head, slight drooling or gagging, and nodding out. Often, these boozehounds fall asleep and awake when the train reaches the yards in Coney Island. It is considered thoughtful at this point to awaken and inform passed-out drunks of their location, before the NYPD has the chance to do so. They tend to be less thoughtful and understanding of persons in this condition.
Side note: When someone does puke on the subway, move away quickly, but kindly. If possible, offer a Kleenex, water, or piece of gum to the puker. That’s good karma for your own future public pukes. Whenever possible, move to the next car. Puke stinks, and makes other people puke.
Finally, avoid Mr. Elephant Nuts. Whether he suffers a medical condition or is simply overestimating the amount of breathing room needed for his junk, this breed of man revels in spreading his legs so wide it is nearly impossible to occupy any adjacent seats. He is a douche bag, and does not seem to be concerned in the slightest by that fact.
The Map Seat
Every subway car is equipped with two MTA maps on either end of the car. If you choose to sit in the map seat, be prepared for lost travelers to hover over you. Try to be accommodating. If you are a cowboy with a 10-gallon Stetson hat, this is not an ideal seat for you. If you are a seasoned rider in the map seat, feel free to offer travel advice to lost riders as you deem appropriate.
Again, be aware of your surroundings. If someone is hovering over you, check to see if you are actually in the map seat. Sometimes, as I unfortunately had the bad fortune to discover, the person who appears to be looking over your shoulder at the map is a drunk Hispanic man jacking off onto your New York Times.
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