Where Not to Walk

If you are on your way to somewhere else and a prime tourist destination lies in your path, it is imperative that you find another way to circumvent that area. Knowing what these areas are will be invaluable in avoiding them.

--Times Square, at any time of day or night. Unless you are on your way to a Broadway show, there is no reason to ever go into Times Square, from 42nd to 50th Street, Broadway to Eighth Ave. This area is a Mecca for slow-moving tourists worldwide, who meander dragnet-style, gawking at the bright lights and street performers, and taking photos.

--Union Station during the Greenmarket, or at night when skateboarders fill up the back lot doing tricks, or on the weekends when every seat in the so-called park is full, or during construction, when hurricane fences and orange caution tape redirected large numbers of people through tiny spaces. Basically, do not go to here.

--Canal Street during the day—impossible to get down the street until after the shops close, around 8 p.m., after which it is a virtual ghost town.

--SoHo on the weekend—particularly Broadway between Spring and Prince Sts. Large groups of teenage tourists tend to gather in front of the Victoria’s Secret on Prince Street, somewhat inexplicably.

--Amsterdam and the West 80s—Loads of museum crowds looking for a cheap lunch spot, and slow-moving, rich elders. Just try and look cool after you’ve accidentally kicked some septagenarian's walker out from under them.

--The Meatpacking District at night—limos vie for position in front of mega bar/restaurants while drunken socialites attempt to navigate cobblestones while wearing stilettos. Hill-fucking-larious!

--Wall Street during rush hour—banksters rush blindly ahead toward subway entrances en masse. Tourists block the way, shooting pictures of the NYSE. Cops with semi-automatic weapons and K9 units glare dauntingly. Beware.